This post was originally featured on Barefoot Foodie over a year ago. In honor of Ovarian Cancer Month, and the importance of seeing your doctor regularly, I thought I would re-live, again, it with all of you.
Last night we went to a bonfire in the fields behind a friend’s house.
I was ill prepared, donning a sundress and flip flops, but, I have hiked my skirt up for nastier situations (hello high school), so hurdling knee high corn wasn’t an issue.
We had fun, the boys had fun, there was plenty of Busch and Skynyrd to go around, the night was a success. In a moment of classiness (read: I’m a lazy ass), I decided that the house was a hike I didn’t feel like making, and decided a squat and pee was my best bet (just a little trick I picked up as a debutante).
The squat and pee is a serious country girl skill, there is a lot of balance work involved, discretion, and ingenuity because, well, you gotta find something creative to wipe with that won’t leave you itching your ass for the next two weeks.
So, yes, I squatted. I peed. Things went off without a hitch, no drunken friends finding me and trying to push me over, no poison ivy leaves, and no pee on my underwear…because…ummm…I wasn’t wearing any.
This, my friends, could be a whole post in itself. I only wear underwear when I am involved in some sort of sport, other times, I opt out. It’s not to be sexy or scandalous, it’s just a comfort issue.
Period.
Oh…and I guess during that time, too, duh.
So, the night ended, we went home, went to bed, the end.
Except!
This morning I had to go in for my yearly. Sweet Jesus, I am turning into my mother. Anyways, I went in for the pap. As I am sure most women can attest, it isn’t something I looked forward to, it’s a necessity to keep my lady parts healthy and in working order.
I arrived early, as the OBGYN is the one place I am guaranteed to feel hot and skinny with all those chubby preggos hanging about. Hubby wanted me to at least take one of the boys with me, but I put a stop to that nonsense at once. Nothing like chasing a toddler around the room half naked, getting all sweaty in areas I need to remain cool and dry.
Hub: Seriously, can you just take one of them?
Me: It’s too hard hun, they get into everything, plus, there are pictures of vaginas, like, all over the walls…don’t you think they are a little young to see vagina pictures?
Hub: Yeah, maybe that isn’t a good idea.
Me: Well, if you think so sweetie, you’re the boss.
I got called back, weighed (whores!), and given the 5cmx5cm not quite a gown to change into.
Everything was going swimmingly.
My OB is a doll, super friendly, and super quick (the best quality one can possess when they are in charge of sticking cold metal things inside of you).
I was laying back, trying to act engrossed in the faux conversation we were having to distract the awkwardness of her rooting around in my lady hole, when she stopped me in the middle of my fruit salsa recipe and pushed her chair back.
What?
“Hmmm.”
What?
Cancer?
I have cancer?
You can see it, am I going to die?
“Um…”
Tell me!
Wait, do you see a baby in there?
IS THERE A BABY IN THERE!?
She reached for the longest pair of tweezers I have ever, EVER, seen, and pinched my vagina so hard I almost passed out.
“Got it!”
Excuse me?
“Look, you had a tick on your labia.”
Labia. Tick. Die. I want to die.
This, darlings, is why you always wear underwear in a cornfield.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Bahahahha….. oh, the shame! When I went for my 6 week check after daughter number 2, whilst “assuming the position”, daughter number 1 thought it would be a good idea to run out into the waiting room waving my “Bridget Jones Comfy Panties”! You win tho… Class! x
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
@Sandy, Oooohhhh….I think this one may be a tie. If my kid took off with my huge underwear, I would leave through the back door and ground him for life.
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I’m in the waiting room of my gyno reading this! Not looking forward to it, but at least I’ve been nowhere near a field recently.
Laurin´s last blog ..White Shirt Wednesday – Daftbird
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@Laurin, OK, I want a tick update when you are done. NO ONE expects to have a tick on their vagina.
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Laurin (@LaurinEvans) Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
@BarefootFoodie, No ticks. *whew* And unlike some people (looking at Maria), I was warned when she was about to start the least desirable part of the annual exam.
Laurin (@LaurinEvans)´s last blog ..White Shirt Wednesday – Daftbird
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
@Laurin (@LaurinEvans), THANK GOD…try explaining THAT Lymes Disease.
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:33 am
ouch!!!
kyooty´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts, Boys to I Ramble too Much?
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
@kyooty, Yes. Big ouch.
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!! EWWWWW!!! That is one of my WORSE fears. Finding a TICK DOWN THERE.
Ok, I think I’m ok now.
*Shudder*
Jen @ lifelovenwine´s last blog ..Oh boys
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@Jen @ lifelovenwine, I mean, WHO CHECKS THERE?! Um, me…now.
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:15 am
I give up. I will NEVER read a post on this site again while drinking coffee.
Shit… it’s all over my monitor and keyboard now!!!
Just as an FYI, I’m pretty sure I would have cried if that were me. Then found a new GYN because I’d be too embarrassed to go back.
Kelly´s last blog ..This? Will be me tomorrow.
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Kelly, Um yeah, she is awesome, but she brings it up EVERY TIME. Like, oh, hey, lets see how things are going down there, hope there aren’t any ticks hanging around.
And then I die.
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Susan (woo222) Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
@BarefootFoodie, Oh no!! She’s doesn’t do that, does she? That’s wretched. It was clearly an accident and could happen to anyone. She shouldn’t bring it up again, I’d die a slow death everytime if I were you. And hey, doesn’t she know? Only the coolest chicas out there have ticks on their lady parts.
Susan (woo222)´s last blog ..Hands
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:45 am
ummm…hmmm…yeah…so anyway…
I don’t even know what to say to you. This is pretty much why I don’t pee outside…ever…
Jen´s last blog ..If I thought I could get away with it…
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@Jen, So, does this mean you don’t want me to bring the dead tick in a jar to BlogHer next year???
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Oh god, this is hilarious!
Erin´s last blog ..A Simpler Time
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@Erin, Thank you! It’s funny NOW. Then? Not so much.
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:49 am
ewwwww……ewwwwww……….ewwwwww
I found a tick crawling around between my boobs once. Totally freaked me out. I was glad it didn’t bite me yet. I can’t even imagine if I had it in my hoo-ha.
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@mommabird2345, I am a psycho about it now, and the FIRST place I always check is my privates. I want to be the one to find a tick there, no one else.
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:55 am
GAG.
You’re like your very own version of “Untold Stories of the ER”. Except it would be “Untold Stories of the OB” or “Untold Stories of Brittany’s Vagina.” Now THAT would be an interesting show.
AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..It’s Like I’m A Whole Different Person
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@AMomTwoBoys, If my VAGINA gets a show before me, I will be PISSED.
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AMomTwoBoys Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
You are your vagina, so it’s really one and the same.
Or is it “Your vagina is you”? Hmmm.
AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..It’s Like I’m A Whole Different Person
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:36 am
OH MY GAWD!!! I wonder if that was a first for her. Will she write it up and go to some conference and tell her doctor friends? Do you think she Tweeted about it?
On the other hand, when you gotta go, you gotta go!
Karen´s last blog ..Breast is Best
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@Karen, Hey guess what, I actually never thought about that…UNTIL NOW OMG!
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September 17th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
DUDE! THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED TO ME1 Except I found it in the shower. Thank god, I found it. This could only be worse if the hubs found it. Can you imagine? And not with his hands? OMG I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!!! *REPRESSING MEMORY*
What were we talking about?
Shnerfle´s last blog ..How to Teach Your Children Vocabulary
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September 17th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
OMFG OMFG OMFG.
NO.
My vagina just died a little. Dude.
Maria´s last blog ..fourteen hours
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BarefootFoodie Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
@Maria, YES.
And this is where I snicker and make some disgusting joke about your husband giving it CPR.
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September 17th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
You were like weeks away from your very own episode of Mystery Diagnosis. Wow. And ewwww.
Another Hot Mess´s last blog ..Honesty is the best policy. Even when it means telling someone they suck.
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September 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
So it totally would have been worth the trek to go to the potty inside? LOL
In high school, you know, like a couple of years ago, I had to pee really, really bad (probably because I had just finished a whole bottle of Boone’s Farms) and we were outside of course, hanging out under a bridge (I have no idea why). So I walked around to the ramp that led down from the road and squatted to pee. Unfortunately I didn’t think about pee going downhill and was facing sideways instead of downhill and I got pee all over my hand. Ewwww. Even then it took me a minute to figure out why my hand was wet… and warm. Next time I’ll tell you about how I locked my drunk ass in the bathroom at the service station.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Suh-weet!!!
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September 17th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Haaaaaaaaaaa….didn’t see that coming. I was thinking you had some birdox or a small twig or something, but wow.
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September 17th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
The worst that’s ever happened to me was when I went camping in the Boundary Waters in Canada (Eh?) and when I used our ‘toilet’ (it was a log with a hole in it and a hole dug into the ground under the hole… And the green grass grows all around, all around) to go #2. I was doing my business and disposing of my trail mix. And the next day when I got home, I had developed a rash. I thought it was a couple mosquito bites. No. I had poison ivy. ON MY ASS. FROM POOPING IN A LOG. It was lovely.
I think you win, though. At least I was the one who figured out I had poison ivy on my ass.
Ashley´s last blog ..Shiny, shiny shoes…
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September 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Yowza! That is so not where I expected that story to go!
Having been born, raised, & still living in Alaska, I have spent much time outdoors. Even though we don’t have poison ivy or the like, I still prefer the drip-dry method. Yeah, it leaves your panties (if you’re wearing any) a little damp, but it’s still better than the alternative of a bug up your nether regions. And I am just that unlucky.
tracy´s last blog ..Giuliana & Bill
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September 17th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I just snorted Coke all over my desk….
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Ohhhhh my that’s unlucky! I was thinking maybe some corn or something??? I’m with you on the wearing no underwear thing but have been fortunate enough to find myself living in England where there is no poison ivy at all in the woods when I’m peeing!!!!!
Emma´s last blog ..In sickness but not much health!!!
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
I would have passed out from mortification right then and there… and then I would have told the story to EVERYONE including my blog readers cause ewwwBuhwahahhaewwww
Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..My Childhood Keeps Dying
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Ha ha ha ha ha. That is the most awesome OBGYN story I have ever heard! Is it weird that we share OBGYN stories enough to have “favorites?” LOL
Rachel @ it’s a hero´s last blog ..writer’s workshop: fall favorites.
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September 18th, 2009 at 4:00 am
Oh em gee, that is some funny shit! I’ve had one VERY high on my thigh. Thank goodness I found it myself!
dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..Right Place at the Right Time
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Oh my goodness, that’s not what I was expecting AT ALL!!! Holy crap, what a story. I can’t stop laughing though!
Bethany´s last blog ..Interesting Turn
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September 18th, 2009 at 11:19 am
THANK YOU!!! I needed a REALLY good laugh today… and you have provided it! Last time I peed outside was behind a stadium dumpster after the U2 Joshua Tree concert; had had a few, and could barely squat without toppling over.
Didn’t House have an episode involving a tick on some girl’s hoohah?
WorkingMom´s last blog ..Snippets of Conversation
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September 19th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Remind me when I try to hump you that you’ve had bugs down there.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..This? Is not OK: Equal Opportunity for My TV-Watching Experience!
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September 19th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Oh my god, brittany, you never cease to make me laugh. The things that happen to you……..
Mountain Momma´s last blog ..My cat is better than your dog
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September 21st, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Best. Ever. Seriously.
Secret Agent Mama´s last blog ..Weekly Winners {The Inanimate Edition}
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September 22nd, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Who ARE you? How did I miss your existence? Now I’ve had to spend my whole evening reading your back posts. Never stop.
Vanity’s Fare´s last blog ..Expulsion or Repulsion
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September 28th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Tiffany´s last blog ..Everybody Poops
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