This is what I woke up to this morning.
Hawt coffee, mmmm. Log into Facebook, log into gmail. New message on Match, hmmm, maybe this will be the one! And I get this….
Umm, I think NOT.
Subject – You seem like a great girl (I am, thankyouverymuch!)
Now, I shit you not, this email was a whopping 7 paragraphs long and he keeps referencing me in third person like he didn’t even send the fucking email to me. It’s entirely too long to post, but too fucking unbelievable *special* for me to not give a brief synopsis as to why this person will be blocked from EVER contacting me again.
I’m a guy and, as such, yep, I do want to, as you say, “hook up” but I swear it isn’t just TO “hook up.” Nope, I want someone who’ll last. I’d love for you to teach me how to play Guitar Hero (although it seems you actually mean Rock Band based on the drums).
Ok, no bonus points there, plus you keep insulting me saying that I don’t know what I’m talking about when I say I like to play Guitar Hero. I happen to know that Guitar Hero world tour has drums because I own it!
(Why am I still going with this letter? I have no idea. Just the fact that I’ve said I want sex also has likely already taken me out with this girl, but she seems so lovable…)
Ok, here we go with the third person. You did send this to ME, right? And somebody seems a little preoccupied with the fact that I clearly state in my profile that I’m not looking to just hook up. Get laid much? My guess is never!
If you can only get over the fact that I’m a human male and, as such, yep, I do want sex. Somewhere down the line, if we hit it off, I want to know there will be sex. I don’t go out of my way to just frustrate myself. Surely you can understand that, right?
Ok, side note on this paragraph. He starts it off by referencing a cancer charity that I volunteer with and in the midst of praising my volunteer work with sick children, adds in the fucking sex stuff again! Somewhere down the line if we hit it off..ummmm, that would be a WORLD of NO.
I guess what I’m saying is please just give me a chance and let’s talk a little, just a little, ok? No, it is not my intention to hop in the sack with you right out of the gate, but I also don’t want to completely avoid the issue either. Seriously, let’s play Guitar Hero, let’s go to the movies, let’s hit some museums, and of course, let’s do movies and dinner. I say let’s have all the fun in the world (although I’d prefer you chipped in a little, ok? I’m not the richest guy).
Ok, so what you’re really saying is that you want to play Guitar Hero, go to the movies, go to dinner and have sex with me, but I have to chip in because you’re not that rich!?!?! WTF….dude even if you were rich, I’d still say nofuckingway.
Please don’t just send me away simply because I’ll be the honest and upfront guy you claim to want and will tell you, yep, I do want sex as well as the movies, dinner, the beach, visiting the chemotherapy children, someone to go to the mall with, hit museums with, who’ll show me even how to play Guitar Hero or bang on the drums (**assuming it’s Rock Band) but who also finds you very very attractive as well.
Ahhh, he wants to bang the drums AND me, swoon. **again with the reference to Rock Band, seriously, as if you hadn’t dug yourself in a hole already, now you’re correcting my own profile!
What else can I say? I’m sorry. I’m not some celibate monk, not hardly, but if you think all I want is sex you are very very badly mistaken!
Oh am I? Really? I don’t think the monastery would take you!
I just hope you can see beyond, see what I’m really saying here. You do so sound like the kind of girl I’d love to be my girlfriend (but I only say that lest I scare you off by saying the “w” word when it isn’t really necessary.)
You hope I can see beyond, see what you’re really saying? I see what you’re really saying, you’re a creepy guy who can’t get laid and desperately wants to. The “w” word? Does he mean whackadoo?
How about this? Just think of me like the shabby, tired, beat up doggie in the window. I’d so much like to speak with you, get to know you, go out with you, hang with you, but I also want to know I’ll be held as well, that there won’t be this “you can’t touch me” to you. You are, what seems to me to be, a fantastic girl for me.
Think of you like a dog, I most definitely will. You just want to be held? Oh, so now he’s making demands, all you have to hold me, blah, blah. I’m amazed that he got how fantastic I actually am from a little profile on Match. I guess I’m a better writer than I think!
The ending line is the kicker
You just give me such a positive… I don’t even know how to describe it.
You may bow down now.
For all you non-single ladies out there, give your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, husband/wife, partner a big ‘ole hug tonight and be grateful you’re not me. Getting emails from creepy guys who like want to take you out, play guitar hero and have sex with you….as long as I chip in pay for it!
Donna, you give Aiming Low such a positive…we don’t even know HOW to describe it! Thanks for this hysterical Three Day Weekend post, and you can all find Donna over at her hilarious blog, The Bare Essentials.
About Guest Writer
Bahahahahahahaaa…. yeah, Match… wacko magnet (except you and me… goes without saying!)… gave up on it a couple of years ago… there’s some real weirdos about (they’re everywhere!!!!!) x
They are totally everywhere. I haven’t even gotten into the nitty gritty creepiness that was this guy. After I politely declined, he emailed me again!!! Totally creepo!!!
Did you ever try eHarmony? I was always curious to know if the guys on there were as dorky as the ones in the commercials…
Twitter Name: Izzymom
@Janet, I’m on eHarmony. But sadly, I haven’t really met anyone there either. Except for the guy who asked me if I like to dance in the forest in my skivvies. Ewww….that date ended pretty quickly.
Priceless. I love the analysis. Totally made my morning. But I am sorry that there are creepers out there
@Christine, ugh me too! It’s hard out there for a pimp!
I can’t believe you wouldn’t want to go out with that literary genius. He wants to visit the “chemotherapy children” with you. Niiice. That’s clearly after the sex but before the guitar hero.
What a winner.
Twitter Name: KarenChatters
@Karen, he’s a totally winner! And don’t forget, he’s kind of broke, so I have kick in a little $$ to participate in all that awesomeness! Sign me up!
I took myself off Match just the other day, and when the form popped up as to why…I checked “other” and typed…”You should tell your clients to stop posting photos of themselves holding up fish or sitting on motorcycles in wife-beater T-shirts.”
No offense to women who like that sort of thing.
On Match.com business owner means ‘sells hot dogs from cart he bought on time.’
I’m always curious about the profiles that begin…”I’m just an average guy…”
Oh yeah? I’ll pass.
@Amy Sue Nathan, Right? It’s totally crazy the stuff people post on there. And if you have no picture? That means you are a fat, bald, over-aged man trying to get some young chickie. No picture = no communication. I’m not shallow, but I’d to be at least somewhat attracted to the person!!
Ewww……that was so creepy, I feel like I need a shower. Thank you for reminding me that I am grateful for my hubby. I think I will go give him a kiss now. Hopefully someone great will contact you soon! Good luck!
Twitter Name: mommabird2345
@mommabird2345, you should totally give him a kiss! There are wayyyy too many creepy guys out there!
Ohhhhh Honey. Do WE need to talk. Birds of a feather and kindred spirits and match.com war veterans and all that. I have a few of my own tales on my site…
@Cinderellawasdelusional, I’ll have to check out some of your stories..heading over there now!
I’m currently doing the online thing as well, and it’s not been quite as bad as what you got there, though I did get a guy explaining to me how he’s not just after sex, but boy does he like to have it, and directed me to eHow because he likes to write articles there. One of them just happens to be about how to make love to your significant other.
I did get this gem from someone on eHarmony:
hi, yea , i took some spanish too, its pretty cool
but if you wanna hang out some time, that would also be cool, i was thinking something unboring and fun, like maybe going to a museum or fair or market, something to give us the chance to say hi face-to-face
you like the florida gators?
i was in florida a few times
see ya
Really? I don’t think there was a normal, complete sentence in there. **sigh::
@Lyndsy, OMG how did you even decipher that? It’s all greek to me, I took some of that, it’s cool! lol!
@The Bare Essentials Today, I’m not entirely sure really. I don’t really think I’m going to meet this guy, he seems slightly off. The pictures are on his profile are even better. I admit that I get tired of seeing the pictures of these guys out in the wilderness being manly, but this guy takes it to the other extreme.
It’s like he set the camera up to take a bunch of pictures in a row, and just turned in a circle. They’re like all head shots and he doesn’t appear to be wearing a shirt. I have NO idea why I thought contacting him was a good idea.
Desperate times, desperate measures and all of that.
@Lyndsy, OMG seriously! Is he like Paul Blart Mall Cop? Desperate times never call for desperate measures, trust me! The right person is out there, I just haven’t found him yet and I’ll willing to take my time. I’d rather be happy then settle for someone just to have someone.
I’m not 100% this whole online dating this going to work or not but it’s providing some good stories at least!
@The Bare Essentials Today, What you say about desperate measures is true. I wouldn’t actually meet that guy or any other sketchy one.
It does provide great stories, and as bloggers, there’s nothing we love more than a good story (that can be repeated on the internet :))
OMG. I feel gross just reading that. Like that guy is somehow watching me, right now. Ew ew ew.
Also, love that he wants to go visit the “chemotherapy children.” I’m sure they’d *really* appreciate being referred to in that way. Like, the Boxcar Children?!
I’m pretty sure there are laws preventing people like that guy from coming within 15 yards of chemotherapy children, or children’s hospitals, or anything involving children.
Ew ew.
@Rachel, I would have to agree 100%, he should be banned from online dating too!
just in case you missed it, but, yep, he is a human male and he likes to have sex. yep.
i’m thinking he’s a child molester. but it’s not wrong, though. i’m sure he insists it the most natural thing ever. because i mean, yep, he’s a guy and he has needs. but he likes to take them to museums, and parks, and the mall, and he likes to play guitar hero (maybe rock band?) with them. wait for chris hansen’s next “to catch a predator” and i’m sure this dude and his mullet will have a guest appearance.
@Katy, you hit that one on the head. He was a totally pervy. All he needed was some chester the molester glasses to go along with his sex drive and mullett
That guys sounds like the one who shot those poor women in the gym …..RUN, change your name & number ! Scary
@Mary, I did run…straight to the people at match and ask them to block his profile. But not before he got a chance to email me again!
be patient!! I met Pete online..but then again…I put out on the first date. Pete’s such a whore.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, He’s a total whore. And I would have totally put out on the first day….if only he didn’t insult my Guitar Hero knowledge and ask me to pay. I mean, he wasn’t only after the sex. He wanted to help me with the chemotherapy kids after all. Duh.
On behalf of my gender, we do not recognize him as a real man. He is also a clueless moron. Which is worse than your run of the mill moron.
@igster101, Thanks for the reassurance!
You should block him just for his hair alone.
Twitter Name: Melissa Siig
That is nothing! Last week I got a message from a guy who wanted me to beat him up! He’s apparently into getting the WWF smack down from women. Needless to say I didn’t respond. ;). And just before him, I went on 9 dates with a guy who decided my plus size status wasn’t plus size enough for him. As I had just lost 26lbs, was feeling healthy and proud of my strong and slightly smaller but voluptuous self, it was a real shocker to find a guy who appreciated extra curves… Only to find out I’m TOO Small now??! I mean really.. Itsclear I’m not 300+, so why in the world would he drag it on for nine dates!?! Honestly, after all the work of losing that weight, and him spoiling me for weeks on end and getting me suckered in,… I would have preferred to hear he suddenly discovered he was gay. ;)
This must be what I get for going trolling the free plenty of fish website. Lol
P.S. That’s just the last two months… I’ve got a hundred of ‘ em. Lol