Why no one should ever…I repeat…EVER…offer me a PTA position.
Cause I just might take them up on it. And then?
Armageddon.
Or at least the school version of it.
Dear 2009-2010 parents,
I sure appreciate your misguided voting to elect me as your new PTA president. We are instituting a few possibly-not-totally-approved-by-administration changes to the way this year’s PTA is going to be run.
1. There will be no more fundraisers involving magazines, wrapping paper, candles or candy. The only fundraisers that will take place under my reign will involve practical, common sense things that everyone’s going to buy anyways and will involve the least amount of inconvenience: toilet paper, deodorant and tooth paste. Bonus is? If someone is NOT using these things in a sufficient manner, {and from the number of you that are missing what should have been permanent teeth, this could take a good deal of our stock} you can buy in bulk.
2. Administration wants better parent turnout at the meetings? Two words: OPEN BAR. I cannot promise we’re going to get anything accomplished, but the possibility for blackmail photos being taken are worth at least one or two bake sales.
3. Any and ALL disagreements will not be voted upon in a civilized manner. They will be taken care of in the only way two adults SHOULD handle a conflict of minds: in the parking lot, bare knuckle brawls. DONE.
4. Failure to respond to PTA emails or newsletters will be taken as an assumed commitment. Should that commitment not be fulfilled, we will take that to mean you are forfeiting your vehicle’s tires and they will be taken in lieu of your participation. All four of them. On all of your vehicles. Wherever we find you. And make no mistake, we WILL find you.
5. Those parents that take it upon themselves to be snobby, elitist, or social-mongers will be SHOT.ON.SIGHT.
Well, I think that just about wraps it up. Looking forward to a great new year.
GO TIGERS!
Previously posted on FreeAnissa
About Anissa Mayhew
You can be on the PTA at my school. Of course, we homeschool. I wonder if there’s a correlation there. Huh. Bloody Mary?
@califmom, Dude, I am THERE!! I’m like an anti-motivational speaker.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
This makes me want to do one of two things:
1) Never move to your neighborhood.
2) Move to your neighborhood for OPEN BAR PTA meetings. score.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], I think we both know you’d totally take free booze over snobby neighbors ANY day of the week.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I likey this idea. I don’t go to any PTA meetings because
1) They’re boring
2) I fall asleep
3) I might miss a really good tv show
4) There’s never any food (that people would actually eat)
@twig, and seriously, there’s a meeting right now and I could be missing DWTS! Where are their priorities?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Dude, I took my FlipCam to the last PTA election because I knew the shit was gonna hit the fan when Hitler Mom didn’t win the seat for President. Sure enough, she threw a fucking fit and demanded to see the ballots. PSYCHO.
I put it on my blog, she stalked me and told on me. The Principal asked me to take the footage down. But for the few hours it was up, it was so damn funny and proof that most PTA moms are not in it for the kids at all. CONTROL FREAKS… Some people really need to get a life.
@Kadi, If you have any love in your heart you’ll send us that video to post. your principal will NEVER find it here!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Do you have to prove that you have children that attend this school…or have children at all, or can you just show up to the Open Bar PTA meetings?
@A Vapid Blonde, Children?? Who said ANYTHING about children? oh! They’re the ones we send when we run out of limes.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, Oh goody, do they get knives to cut up the limes into perfect little wedges? I am so there!
Now THAT is a PTA I would love to join.
OK, so I joined my real one…but I’m a total slacker. And haven’t had my tires slashed yet, shocking.
Twitter Name: Mommycosm
@Ashlie- Mommycosm, I’m sorry, we’ll be revoking your Aiming Low status unless you can send us at least ONE funny photo taken during a meeting. After which, we will all tattoo your name on our butts.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
You had me at OPEN BAR, the rest is just a blur.
Twitter Name: toywithme
@toywithme, I’m sorry, were you still talking? I can’t hear you over the clinking of the ice in my glass!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Oh, AMEN. The only fundraiser stuff I ever buy are the buckets of muffin or cookie dough. NOM NOM NOM.
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
@assertagirl, If you move closer to me I’ll buy you all the cookie dough you can ever use. I SWEAR!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
uh deja vous?
@kyooty, oh, Yeah, I totally reposted this one from my blog, I thought it was worth sharing again.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, ok now that’s really aiming low… LOL
I decided to joing the PTA this year…sounds like some great “progressive” ideas you have…especially the open bar! Ugh, I had 3 girls knock on my door to sell me candy and wrapping paper. I was like, hello-girls…my daughter GOES TO YOUR SCHOOL!!!!
@Julie B., You should put up a sign that says “my kid has sold more shit than yours!”
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, Funny thing..I have no intention of buying that crap from my daughter – I sure as heck am not going to buy it from someone else ;)
Hi, My name is Heather, and I’m a PTA dropout.
Twitter Name: mommahopeful
@Heather, HELLO, HEATHER! We love you.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
You’d have my vote for PTA President!
Twitter Name: mommabird2345
@mommabird2345, NO NO NO!! You’ve missed the whole point of this post! People would spontaneously burst into flames.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I’m so glad my kiddo isn’t in school yet because I think I would make the worlds worst PTA president because I agreed wholeheartedly with each of your points. You’re hilarious.
@Jeni, This just means you have a few years to start sliding your ideas in there…getting them ready for your coup!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Bwahaha! Nice.
Twitter Name: Al_Pal
I think I need a PTA… even though I homeschool!
Yeah…. I shouldn’t be in charge either.
Delurking to tell you that I totally want to be your new BFF, please, based solely on point #2.