You did this:
When you finally break out of your Facebook trance long enough to glance up at the time displayed in the top right corner of your MacBook, you will notice that it is 4:52 PM, a startling eight minutes before your in-laws are due to arrive. You will run, frenzied, through the house and “clean up” by jamming all visible stray objects into two Hefty Steel Sacks, one for dirty dishes, one for everything else. You will not have time to take the bags to the garage so you will hide them by shoving the bags into the mostly empty dryer. As the car pulls into the driveway you will adjust your awkward ponytail and pat yourself on the back for leaving enough time to put on a bra under your pajama top.
Do not do this:
The next morning, in a haze of too little caffeine and too many Wiggles singing, “Miss Polly Had a Dolly,” you remember that the shirt you would like to wear today was part of yesterday’s laundry. Because it is still sitting in the dryer, you turn the dryer on to spin out the inevitable wrinkles. It takes you just one slow motion, fraction of an instant to register the miserable crashing sound coming from inside the dryer as the discordant swan song of three juice glasses, one Pyrex lid, one bucket arm of a Tonka remote control front loader, two cereal bowls, and one Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Learning Phone.
It is impossible to replace the bucket arm.
Um, storing garbage bags of crap in the dryer when guests come over?! GENIUS! Thanks to Lisa Page Rosenberg for Three Day Weekend submission, you can find her at her blog, Smacksy!
Did the dishes at least come out smelling like a fresh mountain stream, or something?!
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
@Assertagirl, Ah yes… a sweet ceramic mosaic of mountain freshness.
OMG! At least you realized before the plastic bag melted over everything and killed your dryer completely!
@The Bare Essentials Today, I learned about the destructive qualities of melted plastic from our former dishwasher. Molten bath toy, anyone?
oh MG!! my GM used to keep her used newspapers in the dryer and the dryer was in the kitchen.
@kyooty, Your sweet nana is of course, a genius. Fire hazards are totally my deal.
That’s genius. Why do I never think of those things?
@Karen, Thanks! I’m like the Yoda of crappy housekeeping.
I love all things Smacksy! That is brilliant!
@Karen, You are pretty.
This is a whole new level of aiming low. Thanks for the idea!
@Jen @ lifelovenwine, I have so much to teach. Thank you for enjoying my slovenly shortcut.
I’m an avid reader of Smacksy. I love Lisa and her wry and witty observations. And, sometimes she makes me laugh right out loud.
@Ilene, Thank you. Your dollar is in the mail.
I’m totally going to try this. I’ve been wanting a new dryer for years! :)
Twitter Name: mommahopeful
@Heather, Also works with front-loading washers.
That could have been disastrous for your dryer!
Twitter Name: SillyJaime
@Jaime, Yes. Clearly appliance gods were smiling on me that morning…
I so relate to this. And I have done the same thing, short of using the dryer as a storage vessel (which I must say is a touch of brilliance). I usually get a bulldozer and shovel everything into the laundry room, then squeeze the door shut around the plies of clothes, shoes, toys, unread mail and stray neighbor children that get swept into the mix. Now I know that I can buy another 3×3 feet of space by using the INSIDE of the dryer. Brilliant!
@DG at Diaryofamadbathroom, I like your style.
Note to self: Install door to laundry room. Check Craig’s List for bulldozer.
I’ve always found that the shower stall is the best place for last minute dumping.
And I’ve found Smacksy is the best place for perfect observations of life’s messes.
@Knaedle, I would like to add on another bathroom now just for the shower stall possibilities…
Facebook trance LOL. Facebook time and in-law time are not in the same time zone!
@meredith groenevelt, I mistakenly left a reply to you as a new comment below. It’s 4:30pm. You’d think I’d be awake by now…
The Facebook trance is a direct relative of the Twitter Coma and eBay End of Auction Hypnotic State.
smacksy taught me everything i know about dumping in secret places. she has also taught me everything i know about cheap jokes regarding poop and privates. smacky = girl crush.
@Dera White, You know me so well – and how I’m all about dumps of every kind. Re-crush at you.
i am lower than low when cleaning my house, but i never, ever thought of storing bags o’ stuff in the dryer.
you, are my hero.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], Thank you. I am here to be the wind beneath your slovenly wings.
Multi-tasking does have its risks, but this kind of new-thinking will certainly provide the best rewards.
@Vanity’s Fare, Thank you for your support. The world is my sloth lab.
I found the leg to a disassembled kid’s table in my dryer today. I suspect my 4 year old has been reading AL behind my back.
Twitter Name: izzymom
@IzzyMom, Time has proven that I am at my best when operating at a 4 year-old level. Great minds… and all that. (Can I have a juice box now? How about now?)
I’ve always had “magic drawers” and “the closet of no return” which served the purpose of your multi purpose clothes dryer. Now I have a full basement…which somehow gets fuller and fuller by the day. You should try it! Loved the post BTW.
@Jerry Burt, First – this hardly seems the appropriate place to discuss your “magic drawers.”
Ditto, you and “the closet.”
Meanwhile – please send a basement ASAP. They are lacking here on the west coast.
Also – I adore you.
I loved this post. I need more places to stash my crap, but our house just doesn’t have the closet space, or the under-the-bed space, and my laundry room is too far away in the basement… balls. Martha Stewart seriously fucked with my formative years. I am ruined. BUT! I’m learning to aim much, much lower. This is good news!!
@grumble girl, Please let me inspire you in no way that Martha ever could… there is room for more dirty dishes in the oven.
@Lisa Rae @ smacksy, But then where, oh WHERE will I put my HEAD??!
Bwahahaha! Awesome. I have friends who would cover their counters full of dirty dishes with cut-open black garbage bags, once upon a time. But that was for friends, not inlaws. Heh.
Twitter Name: Al_Pal
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