Ding. You’ve got mail.
Subject: Surviving H1N1 — with baby in belly – CNN.com
Open email, reading article and thinking, finally someone’s addressing this Swine Flu issue. Screw Jon & Kate because if the media doesn’t start covering this deadly Swine Flu with more vigor, I’ll be forced to reach deep into my anxiety archives and breath life into one of my old standbys.
Anxiety Archives:
- Doing the Laundry – Radon will give me cancer. Doing laundry in the basement will give me cancer. I will not do laundry.
- Lifetime Movies – Ebola. You say my flesh will melt and ooze down the inside of my pant legs into my shoes? No cure? Spreads rapidly? We’re all going to die.
- Spilled Milk – Wipe that milk off the floor. Yes, it can cause Black Mold. It’ll seep through the floorboards and work its way through the walls and OMG I can already feel my lungs collapsing.
- Bird Flu – Take the bird feeder down Ben. TAKE IT DOWN, DAMMIT. A bird is going to get hungry and come and eat the bird food and die in the yard and I’m going to feel so badly for it that I pick it up and open mouth kiss it and then I’ll die too. Is that what you want?
- Backyard Fun – There’s an ozone advisory today. Yes, keep the children inside. That’s fine. They don’t have to play outside today; they can play in the basement. Hold on, let me just check on the radon levels.
- Snacking – Lead. I’m hungry and those lose paint chips look tasty. Checking for potato chips now. We’re out. O.K. Meredith – delayed gratification, delayed gratification. Nope, no self control. I’m eating the paint chips.
- Basement – Asbestos. So you’ll rip apart and remove all the encapsulated asbestos sending carcinogenic dust through the ductwork? That’s fine. Pile it all on the driveway. I’ll sweep it up later.
- Tampons – Toxic shock syndrome you say? So I need to change my tampons at least every six hours and wear a maxi pad diaper at night to avoid this deadly condition. I’ll have to weigh out the risk/benefit on that one a little longer.
- Pajamas – Flame retardants cause cancer. I don’t want my pajamas to catch on fire. I also don’t want my daytime clothes to catch on fire either. Continue wearing flame retardant pajamas at night and switch my daytime wardrobe to fire retardant pajamas.
- My Mail – Anthrax. I’m not opening that mail. Yes, it’s a bill. That scares me too.
- Sweetness – Is that sugar or saccharine? Wait what has more calories? Ugh, fat thighs/cancer? Fat thighs/cancer? This is like the tampon thing.
- M&M’s – Who’s the ass who put the red dye #3 back into the M&Ms? I don’t have the will power to eat around the red ones!
Hypochondria never looked so good! This Three Day Weekend post comes to us from Meredith, the wonderful author of BuenoBaby, check her out!
About Guest Writer
Yeah, I think I’ll pass on the whole “flu shot” this year…
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
@Assertagirl, I agree. Otherwise I’d need to add preservatives contained in the flu shot to this list.
Ah I can solve your m&m’s problem, Smarties are now made without artificial food colouring and no i don’t mean those stupid rocket candy USA people call Smarties, I’m talking about candy coated chocolates.
Don’t forget not enough vitaminD and you’ll have to put the kids back outside with a smaller layer of sunscreen.
@kyooty, did you know that in the States, Smarties are what we call Rockets? Many of our neighbours to the south don’t know the superior Canadian cousin to the M&M ;)
As for the flu shot – ummm, no. Thanks, but no.
@Kootnygirl, oh yes I did know, but I didn’t express it well. I used to live in the USA, finding “real” Smarties there is like crazy.
@kyooty, thank you. Good tip on red dye #3 and I don’t worry about the vitamin – I skip the sunscreen. Oh did I just write I don’t apply sunscreen to my kids?
@meredith groenevelt, What??! Are we supposed to be aplying sunscreen to the KIDS?! I thought that was a myth…
And don’t forget about the bug spray…DEET or no DEET that is the question!
This is hilarious!
Twitter Name: mommahopeful
@Heather, You’re right! I can only guess I forgot this one because I spay myself and the kids down EVERYDAY here in Mexico. Obviously the DEET has caused short term memory loss. Hello dementia nice to meet you.
Totally not getting the flu shot next month. Like I need it injected into my system. Small percentile that I’ll get sick? I have no immune system, I’LL GET SICK.
Twitter Name: SillyJaime
@Jaime, you and @Assertagirl both. Like I replied to her I totally agree. Otherwise I’d need to add preservatives contained in the flu shot to this list.
I have always taken the flu shot, every year, never been scared, now I am.
Fucking fear promoting media!
@Sue Robinson, Yes, perhaps another round of John and Kate would ease our anxieties!
I enjoy a gal who can trade Generalized Anxiety Disorder symptoms!
I have a fear of Kardashians. Is there an inoculation for this?
No flu shot here either! We have a family that withdrew their kids from our school due to swine flu fear. I am curious– guess they plan to stay home 24/7 now. No libraries, no grocery stores, no churches…poor kiddos!
Twitter Name: springraine
stay off your computer. cancer.
i’m dying tomorrow.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
# Pajamas – Flame retardants cause cancer. I don’t want my pajamas to catch on fire. I also don’t want my daytime clothes to catch on fire either. Continue wearing flame retardant pajamas at night and switch my daytime wardrobe to fire retardant pajamas.
This made me almost pee my pants. Granted, a sneeze can do that, too, but don’t let that minor detail diminish my compliment. Also? Most Aiming Low types do not distinguish between daytime and night time attire so, you know, one less thing to worry about. WIN.
Twitter Name: izzymom