I’m probably going to die, and some other hyperbole.

Ding. You’ve got mail.

Subject: Surviving H1N1 — with baby in belly – CNN.com

Open email, reading article and thinking, finally someone’s addressing this Swine Flu issue. Screw Jon & Kate because if the media doesn’t start covering this deadly Swine Flu with more vigor, I’ll be forced to reach deep into my anxiety archives and breath life into one of my old standbys.

Anxiety Archives:

1. Doing the Laundry – Radon will give me cancer. Doing laundry in the basement will give me cancer. I will not do laundry.
2. Lifetime Movies – Ebola. You say my flesh will melt and ooze down the inside of my pant legs into my shoes? No cure? Spreads rapidly? We’re all going to die.
3. Spilled Milk – Wipe that milk off the floor. Yes, it can cause Black Mold. It’ll seep through the floorboards and work its way through the walls and OMG I can already feel my lungs collapsing.
4. Bird Flu – Take the bird feeder down Ben. TAKE IT DOWN, DAMMIT. A bird is going to get hungry and come and eat the bird food and die in the yard and I’m going to feel so badly for it that I pick it up and open mouth kiss it and then I’ll die too. Is that what you want?
5. Backyard Fun – There’s an ozone advisory today. Yes, keep the children inside. That’s fine. They don’t have to play outside today; they can play in the basement. Hold on, let me just check on the radon levels.
6. Snacking – Lead. I’m hungry and those lose paint chips look tasty. Checking for potato chips now. We’re out. O.K. Meredith – delayed gratification, delayed gratification. Nope, no self control. I’m eating the paint chips.
7. Basement – Asbestos. So you’ll rip apart and remove all the encapsulated asbestos sending carcinogenic dust through the ductwork? That’s fine. Pile it all on the driveway. I’ll sweep it up later.
8. Tampons – Toxic shock syndrome you say? So I need to change my tampons at least every six hours and wear a maxi pad diaper at night to avoid this deadly condition. I’ll have to weigh out the risk/benefit on that one a little longer.
9. Pajamas – Flame retardants cause cancer. I don’t want my pajamas to catch on fire. I also don’t want my daytime clothes to catch on fire either. Continue wearing flame retardant pajamas at night and switch my daytime wardrobe to fire retardant pajamas.
10. My Mail – Anthrax. I’m not opening that mail. Yes, it’s a bill. That scares me too.
11. Sweetness – Is that sugar or saccharine? Wait what has more calories? Ugh, fat thighs/cancer? Fat thighs/cancer? This is like the tampon thing.
12. M&M’s – Who’s the ass who put the red dye #3 back into the M&Ms? I don’t have the will power to eat around the red ones!

Hypochondria never looked so good!  This Three Day Weekend post comes to us from Meredith, the wonderful author of BuenoBaby, check her out!