Saturday, the bf and I went to a friend’s wedding. Actually, we just went to the reception (I have to be honest, I didn’t even want to go) and had a great time.
What made it a great time? I looked great! Haha. Ok, not really. But I looked all nice and svelte. Smooth. One smooth operator.
What helped me achieve this new trim figure? Why, Spanx of course! You know, those spandex like apparatuses…apparati….uh…garments that take forever to climb into, but once you are in, they hold you in place like nobody’s business? Yeah, those.
I had purchased these beauties in two varieties: the one pictured above, and the cami version, which I wear to keep the ol’ muffin top from rearing its ugly head when I throw on jeans and a tee.
Isn’t post-baby fat great?
I had a *bit* of trouble climbing into the full body suit type deal, but after jumping around on one foot, then the other, the laying on my back, yanking those suckers on one slow inch at a time….SUCCESS!
I quickly put my new dress on and checked the mirror for the total effect. Holy good god mother in heaven. Or father. Whatever.
I looked GREAT! I swear. SWEAR (sometimes). Promise you that I dropped inches and dress sizes with these amazing inventions. I heart spanx.
Full of excitement at my new found body, we headed off to the reception. I was getting compliments left and right. Psshhh….and owning it like I was the queen of England. Is she still alive?
The compliments: I was getting a ton. No matter that most people hadn’t seen me since I was huge and 9 months pregnant, or the fact that almost all of them were drunk when we arrived… I was getting compliments. Nectar of the gods.
And then I had to pee. I headed off to the ladies room (yes, I say ladies room here, just to keep it klassy), and pulled my dress up in preparation to sit down to pee.
And then I realized my dilemma. I still had this union suit of spandex on.
Why had I waited so long to pee???????
And then I noticed the most amazing feature of these here Spanx. A pee hole. Yes, a pee hole. They make the crotch area all nice and cottony and slitted so that when you sit down, the slit spreads (total eww) and you have a nice little hole through which to pee.
One problem. Nobody told me this.
And I wore underwear underneath my Spanx.
Total Life Fail.
So what’s a girl to do in such a dire situation? Completely disrobe, of course!
Yes, I had to untie the sash of my dress, unzip the side zipper, pull it over my head, hang it on the freaking HOOK on the door, and then proceed to wrestle myself out of the jaws of life.
And no, it is not any easier to get OUT of them than it is to get into them. I was making so much noise, one of my stall mates asked if everything was “going ok in there.”
No biotch. I have to pee and I can’t get out of my slimming underwear. Happy? Ho.
Finally, I did manage to get them down enough, and didn’t have to leave the wedding due to pee pee pants. I can only imagine the horror that would have followed such a tragedy. I can still hear the chants of “pee pants Rausch” following me down the halls. Or maybe that was just in my head.
After relieving myself, I did what had to be done: I pulled up my undies and wrestled myself back into my spandex diet. Yes, I HAD to put the underwear back on. Why? Because the only other option was taking the Spanx off the REST of the way (down the legs and off the feet), removing the underwear, and then putting the ENTIRE set of Spanx back on.
I just didn’t have that kind of time! I had already missed out on the appetizer and salad!!! (I didn’t really. The salad was all kinds of good with orange segments and pecans. Mmmm)
After checking to make sure I didn’t have toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or the back of my dress tucked in god knows where, I exited the bathroom, and continued to accept the compliments thrown my way. ;-)
And I didn’t pee again for the rest of the night.
If we had a nickel for every time we’ve had a Spanx malfunction… Thank you Sara, for this hilarious Three Day Weekend Submission. Sara can be found at her delightful blog, tom the girl and on twitter!