How to Pee in Your Underpants.

threedayweekend2

Saturday, the bf and I went to a friend’s wedding.  Actually, we just went to the reception (I have to be honest, I didn’t even want to go) and had a great time.

What made it a great time?  I looked great!  Haha.  Ok, not really.  But I looked all nice and svelte.  Smooth.  One smooth operator.

What helped me achieve this new trim figure?  Why, Spanx of course!  You know, those spandex like apparatuses…apparati….uh…garments that take forever to climb into, but once you are in, they hold you in place like nobody’s business?  Yeah, those.

110-gal-spanx-nude_300

Note: the real Spanx do not actually cut your head off

I had purchased these beauties in two varieties: the one pictured above, and the cami version, which I wear to keep the ol’ muffin top from rearing its ugly head when I throw on jeans and a tee.

Isn’t post-baby fat great?

I had a *bit* of trouble climbing into the full body suit type deal, but after jumping around on one foot, then the other, the laying on my back, yanking those suckers on one slow inch at a time….SUCCESS!

I quickly put my new dress on and checked the mirror for the total effect. Holy good god mother in heaven.  Or father.  Whatever.

I looked GREAT!  I swear.  SWEAR (sometimes).  Promise you that I dropped inches and dress sizes with these amazing inventions.  I heart spanx.

Full of excitement at my new found body, we headed off to the reception.  I was getting compliments left and right.  Psshhh….and owning it like I was the queen of England.  Is she still alive?

Anyways…yes.

The compliments:  I was getting a ton.  No matter that most people hadn’t seen me since I was huge and 9 months pregnant, or the fact that almost all of them were drunk when we arrived… I was getting compliments.  Nectar of the gods.

Totally.

And then I had to pee.  I headed off to the ladies room (yes, I say ladies room here, just to keep it klassy), and pulled my dress up in preparation to sit down to pee.

And then I realized my dilemma.  I still had this union suit of spandex on.

Hmmm….crap.

Why had I waited so long to pee???????

And then I noticed the most amazing feature of these here Spanx.  A pee hole.  Yes, a pee hole.  They make the crotch area all nice and cottony and slitted so that when you sit down, the slit spreads (total eww) and you have a nice little hole through which to pee.

One problem. Nobody told me this.

And I wore underwear underneath my Spanx.

Total Life Fail.

So what’s a girl to do in such a dire situation?  Completely disrobe, of course!

Yes, I had to untie the sash of my dress, unzip the side zipper, pull it over my head, hang it on the freaking HOOK on the door, and then proceed to wrestle myself out of the jaws of life.

And no, it is not any easier to get OUT of them than it is to get into them. I was making so much noise, one of my stall mates asked if everything was “going ok in there.”

No biotch.  I have to pee and I can’t get out of my slimming underwear.  Happy?  Ho.

Finally, I did manage to get them down enough, and didn’t have to leave the wedding due to pee pee pants.  I can only imagine the horror that would have followed such a tragedy.  I can still hear the chants of “pee pants Rausch” following me down the halls.  Or maybe that was just in my head.

After relieving myself, I did what had to be done: I pulled up my undies and wrestled myself back into my spandex diet.  Yes, I HAD to put the underwear back on.  Why?  Because the only other option was taking the Spanx off the REST of the way (down the legs and off the feet), removing the underwear, and then putting the ENTIRE set of Spanx back on.

I just didn’t have that kind of time!  I had already missed out on the appetizer and salad!!! (I didn’t really.  The salad was all kinds of good with orange segments and pecans.  Mmmm)

After checking to make sure I didn’t have toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or the back of my dress tucked in god knows where, I exited the bathroom, and continued to accept the compliments thrown my way.  ;-)
And I didn’t pee again for the rest of the night.

If we had a nickel for every time we’ve had a Spanx malfunction… Thank you Sara, for this hilarious Three Day Weekend Submission.  Sara can be found at her delightful blog, tom the girl and on twitter!

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Comments

  1. Lu says:

    Love this story!

  2. Colleen says:

    Two weeks ago I went to a wedding, wore knock-off spanx, and dear God had almost the same bathroom problem you did… but… i bought knock-off spanx… knock-off spanx don’t come with slits for peeing. So I didn’t have any other option but to take it down. Dear God. I was gone so long that my husband asked me if I needed to go back and light a match in the bathroom.

  3. Jaime says:

    Nice!

    I want spanx. My sister and I always talk about getting them, but they’re so damn expensive!

    Twitter Name:

  4. Chris says:

    I wore Spanx for the first time, to a wedding. I didn’t notice any slit, had to take them down, The legs were so tight I thought I was going to lose a limb, (maybe I bought the wrong size) got home from the wedding and threw the damn things away!!!! I’ll go natural next time.

  5. Amber says:

    LOL, I’ve always just pulled my undies to the side (and prayed I didn’t pee on myself)!

  6. So glad you didn’t end up peeing in your panties…that would’ve been a shame to go through all that pushing and pulling of the spanx only to go home because you had an accident!

  7. kyooty says:

    note to self pack mini scissors in handbag

  8. Robin says:

    Oh I know these well, wore one for my wedding along with a corset too.

  9. You made some fine points there. I did a search on the topic and found mainly people will go along with with your blog.

  10. Rose says:

    I actually bought the same Spanx with the slit and have tried 3 times at home to pee in the toilet. First one – my aim (unlike men) well, there isn’t an aim, it just comes out and sure enough all over the back end of the Spanx. apparently I didn’t spread the slit enough or behind me.
    2nd time – I followed through on a tip from another spanxer and she created a funnel of sorts – so i did the same, got up to go to the bathroom and it worked.
    3rd time – don’t know what the hell I did with my new home made funnel, but again went all over the backside. Yep peed my pants.
    So I contact Spanx and ask them have they ever tried this – otherwise why can’t they create little nooks that you can spread the slit and keep it open while you pee. Anyhow – I need 4 hands. they told me to Hover and spread my legs out way way out and hold open the slit.
    My tips to you – try this first before you go to your wedding or party. I have an upcoming reunion and trust me, I’m doing a lot of woolite washing and a lot of pee has gotten on my hands. Sigh….

  11. jim thompson says:

    May I sniff your peed on spandex’s ladies?…;)

  12. Christy says:

    I had such a spanxs malfunction last night, that I actually (in my rediculous hangover) googled “I peed my spanx” and it brought me here :) Awesome story!! (well, not so awesome for you at the time…but really funny…thanks for sharing! It made me feel a little better about my issue last night.

    It was my first night out in a lonnnng time, after having twin girls…for a friend’s birthday bar-crawl…(I’m a little older than everyone there, so I wanted to keep up) I drank WAY too much, lost my husband somewhere, but nonetheless, made it all the way home in one peice (aside from making a complete ass of myself!)
    One small problem….on the way home, I felt the dreaded pee-urge. I too, was wearing spanx (fab!) and also WALKING HOME DRUNK…uh oh. I made it all the way…to my parking lot, before I made the decision. “Well…” I thought, “I’m never going to get all the apparatus off in time. I’m in my own driveway, and it’s pretty late…I’m just going to pee. No other way around it…”
    Well, apparently, I hadn’t “remembered” to go all night, and was really needing a bathroom break, because not only did I pee in my spanx (with undies) and jeans, I filled my cute little flats. eff.

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  14. tina says:

    the first time i put on the spanx of armor – i was pleased with the slimming results. my hubby (who is my biggest fan) stated ‘you should wear those all the time.’ After much trial and error (and a lot of bunched up tissue stuffed down there) i started cutting the slit into a much wider opening. just make sure you don’t cut past the cotton and onto the stocking part ,you’re good.

  15. Jacky says:

    Great story

  16. Randy says:

    I’m a 53 year old guy, and I would just imagine if I were the one getting ready to pee my pants…embarrassing and humiliating it would be…let alone for a lady…and, unlike some…I love it when a girl wears spotlessly clean undies, so I’m glad you made it on time (even with great difficulty)…thanks for sharing, not only for me to read but also for other women in this same situation…

Trackbacks

  1. [...] For days I don’t like to wear a formal bra I wear a cami with those built in shelf bras. These are especially awesome on days I wear a modern-made-overseas barely-there t-shirt. I like them because they hold in my folds smooth like spanx but are not so impossible to get in and out of. [...]

  2. [...] feel like your bladder might explode. Maybe you drank a Big Gulp while wearing a romper, or Spanx. Whatever, I’m not judging. Go ahead and enjoy the release. Let it out. But as soon as it’s [...]

  3. [...] not the end of the story. So, to find out how the rest of our writer’s evening went, click here. And, don’t pee your [...]

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