I had plans. Goals. Ambitions, even.
ME!
There was a list…with words…in big print “THINGS TO DO WHEN THE KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL”.
I know.
That’s a lot of pressure, right?
WTH??
If you were paying attention, the key phrase would be “had”.
Because I am a shiny, sparkling poster child for making promises to yourself that you have no intentions of keeping.
My kids went back to school the first week of August and I have had three weeks to get my act together.
The gym. The house. The moving boxes that seem to multiply like bunnies hopped up on Viagra cocktails. The pictures that need to be hung. The organization that needs to take place.
Some furniture did get moved, but I think we ALL remember how well that went.
But in the weeks before school started I would dream of how my life was going to change when the kids went to school.
I would go to that gym in the morning after dropping off the kids, getting my body full of endorphins, ready to face productive days with boundless amounts of energy!
I would plan ahead and make fabulous HOME! COOKED! MEALS! {that meant food from boxes with the words “Home”, “cooked” and “meal” anywhere on them did not count}.
I would power through those final moving boxes….I would finish organizing my office…I would EMPTY out both my email inbox (by answering) and my feed reader (and not by “marking all as read”).
I had a dream.
It was a good dream.
However, you know when ELSE I have good dreams?
When I nap.
Yes, when I nap after having laid in bed for an hour with a book.
In peace and quiet.
With no one asking me for a snack or to wipe their butt.
No bouncing on the bed or asking if they can watch the TV in MY room.
I found the list a couple of days ago.
There was a Popsicle stick stuck to it and a bunch of cat hair.
And while I may not have crossed off a single damn thing off that list I did realize I’ve gotten quite a LOT done over the past three weeks.
YES I HAVE.
I’ve watched the final thirty minutes of “Bring It On” at least six times.
I put a little trash cup next to the coffee maker because it is apparently alltogether WAY to freaking hard to turn at the waist and throw the splenda packets in the…oh, I don’t know…trash can that’s less than a foot and half away.
I have rewards cards and membership cards and bonus cards from at least twenty-five new retail stores.
I lost a bottle of rum. I hear you weeping for me. It’s tragic.
I discovered this little piece of brilliance.
I got a spider bite, a rug burn on ONE finger and have been growing a pretty impressive zit on my chin.
I’m on Skype all damn day long…talking this one off a ledge…explaining cold fusion to that one…trying to convince another one her baby is NOT, in fact, Voldemort’s love child but she would love the little Slytherin bastard anyway.
I am stalking RALPH MACCHIO!
I’m effing beat.
It’s exhausting being me.
List? I don’t need your stinking lists.
I am changing the world here, people!!
One hour of Dawson’s Creek reruns at a time.
About Anissa Mayhew
Shitmydadsays??? Truly a piece of brilliance. See, you did something meaningful today – got me to follow that one! Your work here is done.
@kimmad, He is one of those shiny reasons why we tweet.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
You totally kept the cat alive that caught the rat, too, right? That’s no small potatoes.
Mmmm potatoes. Loaded with cheese and bacon and sour cream. Mmmmm.
@AJ, YEAH!!! That too. I’m surprised i’m not keeled over from all that i’ve had to do.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Shitmydadsays!!!… LMAO lol…. nice one…. definately a follow! x
@Sandy, He’s awesome..I think i’ve laughed harder at his tweets than ANYONE else. EVER.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
You’re in my head, woman! You’ll get there. It’s a shock to the system when kids go back to school. I know this because I have accomplished NOTHING since school started. Best to pace yourself.
Here’s the thing I’m mad at you about, though. I now waste even more time during the day than usual waiting for @shitmydadsays to tweet. Hysterical!
Twitter Name: LaurinEvans
@Laurin, I don’t even care if that’s not really his dad’s sayings, they’re effing brilliant.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I’m so *tear* proud of what you’ve *tear* accomplished.
I’ve watched all 5 seasons of Weeds in the last 3 weeks. Can I get a WHUT-WHUT!!!
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
@Angie, All I’ve learned I picked up from you. You’re like the MASTER!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Okay, so maybe I too had big plans and didn’t follow through the first week they went back to school. Today though, I am going full force on home improvements… moved trash can closer to coffee pot (thank’s for tip) and put a new roll of t.p. in one of the bathrooms. Luckilly I opened the front door when I got home really quickly so all the dust bunnies flew under a bench. No need to sweep floor today.
@Evelyn, Don’t strain anything, Evelyn!!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
OMG you just ruined my life. Shitmydadsays? I nearly peed my pants reading the first three. And Ralph Macchio? As if I don’t follow enough people on Twitter, now I’m adding two more?
When my life goes to hell I’m coming for you…
Twitter Name: msmegan
@Finn, I’m ready for you. I’ll be napping right over there! —>
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Wow, I’ve watched a shit load of Bring It On too. I just can’t help myself.
Splenda packets…I put the coffee maker next to the sink and toss them down the disposal. Not that I ever run the disposal. But, still…I think that problem is solved.
@Maria, you can put paper down the disposal? I had no idea!!! Sweet.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew,
I wouldn’t start throwing junk mail and corrugated cardboard down there, but we’ve (Maria is my wife) been throwing Splenda packets and coffee filters down there for several years without problem.
oh my god. Bring it On…I have watched it at least three times this week…wanna come over and we can watch it together?
Twitter Name: alimartell
@alimartell, yes!! YES I DO. Cause I got spirit, how ’bout you?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I wish I had cable. I’d be all up in that Dawson’s Creek reruns. Instead I stick with shows I can watch online, like Greek, Doogie Howser, and Beverly Hills 90210 (the good one).
Twitter Name: SillyJaime
@Jaime, I loved Dawson’s Creek…I had a serious love affair with Pacey. RAWWWR
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
This? Is why we’re such good friends—possibly even fraternal twins separated at birth.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
@Janet, Dude. That would be me, you and Loralee. We’re triplets!! SCORE!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I found my list of shit I was going to do in the two weeks I had off work before the baby was born. It’s like a page long.
Also, my baby is evil and yes I do love him anyway.
@Jen, heh. I love the asshole baby.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
So, what you’re saying here, is that I have 3 weeks to be more productive than you, since mine just started back on Tuesday. Awesome.
Also: ShitMyDadSays is effing Hi. Larious. Thanks for that.
Twitter Name: Shnerfle
Home. Cooked. Meals.
Awesome. I like the way that works.
Twitter Name: AMomTwoBoys
@AMomTwoBoys, I said i LIKED home. cooked. meals. I didn’t say I liked to cook. meals. at. home.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
cute, my ww meeting lastnight that I went o after slacking off for 2months was all about making plans. oh plans where are the plans?
@kyooty, i PLAN to not strain anything when i reach for the remote.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I have watched the first three seasons of Gilmore Girls again. I’ve been sick and taken care of two sick kids. I’ve collected an impressive post-it note collection of things I may one day do.
Man, we both need more naps in our life. ;)
Twitter Name: Issascrazyworld
@Issa, I have NEVER seen Gilmore Girls, which totally makes me feel like a noob to say.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, Seriously? Dang. You should so rent it. It’s great fun. ;)
Twitter Name: Issascrazyworld
I’m new to this blog. This is absolutely brilliant idea. The quest for imperfection, I wrote once about the virtue of failure but to dedicate whole blog for it is just brilliant.
How about starting aiminglowformen blog?
Hey, cut yourself some slack – you wrote a great blog post!
Twitter Name: Melissa Siig
Hello,
aiminglow.com – da best. Keep it going!
Have a nice day
Zoran
Thank you for the gift of shitmydadsays.
And you don’t think that qualifies you as a queen of productivity? Sheesh woman.
You also run or write for twenty bazillion websites and you twitter and you keep people amused.
How do you not see the importance of this?
Thanks for helping me with that lesson in Physics, babe!