Back in the old days…you know…when I was being courted…I was quite the dresser.
Cute dresses. Sexy jeans and shirts. Pretty shoes.
I was, like, working it.
Smelled good. Looked good. And, I can’t be sure, but I am pretty sure I even gave blow jobs back then without groaning and rolling my eyes.
It was a crazy time.
And then I got married, and we worked different shifts, and Bush got re-elected, and…I don’t know. Something happened.
My body completely stared rejecting clothes unless they had an elastic waist or stretch cotton.
Walk in the door, goodbye pants and bra, hello oversized OSU sweatpants and wife beater.
What? It’s noon on a Saturday and I am wearing my brother’s old wrestling singlet and Homer Simpson slippers? So?
I mean, we can still totally have sex, I’m not wearing underwear, and there is a hole in the crotch.
Kid after kid has made the idea of wearing jeans in my own house completely unappealing.
I have a baby belly, and fat thighs, and wiggly stuff, and jeans just get all up in my bidniss, making marathon I Love Lucy episodes sitting indian style on the couch tres impossible. TRES.
So…this all sounds kinda bad, right.
But dude, it so totally isn’t.
Turns out, that when you stop wearing the kinds of everyday clothes society deems appropriate…when you finally do leave the house in jeans, it’s like, I don’t know, a fucking Christmas miracle.
I come downstairs in jeans, and my husband is all, Oh my God, you look amazing. And you’re all, what in these old jeans?
And then he tries to put his hands down your pants, but you have to stop him…’cause he’d feel your Spanx, and the magic would be ruined.
And there is nothing sexy about that.
Except the hole in the crotch. And even then, that is less sexy, and more totally about function, really, super expensive function. (read: Spanx are lined with gold)
I mean, if you want to get all technical, spanx are like glorified wrestling singlets.
And I already have one of those. (read: fuck you Spanx, I’m watching MXC and eating Cheez-Its in my wrestling singlet for the remainder of the day)
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{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: motherbumper
September 8, 2009 at 8:48 am
I love how you implicate the Bush Administration. I blame them for my muffin top, my broken shower head, and pretty much anything else that’s gone wrong in my life.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:14 am
@katie ~ motherbumper, My dog got hit by a car that year too. FUCKING BUSH!
To Spanx Or Not To Spanx…that is always the question. ;)
I like how they make the outisde look sexy. If I ever get a new beau and start to get lucky again, I’ll just pull a quick Clark Kent in the bathroom and secretly rip them off.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:14 am
@Hilly, DUDE! There is NOTHING quick about Spanx. Make sure you give him the last Harry Potter book to read while you are in there trying to get them off.
Twitter: mariamelee
September 8, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@Brittany, I thought you said get HIM off.
That would have to be the secret special version of Harry Potter.
Twitter: alotofnothing
September 8, 2009 at 9:42 am
I’ve invested in a wide selection of house pants, and unfortunately, some are getting tight. This is a problem. I may consider Spanx with my house pants.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:15 am
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], Been there. What’s left for us? House coats?!
Twitter: alotofnothing
September 8, 2009 at 10:20 am
@Brittany, I do actually have a house coat I bought for an ‘Old Lady’ party I had w/ my friends. One step closer to belly flab freedom.
@Brittany, MUUMUUS. Not that I know from experience or anything…
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
September 8, 2009 at 3:24 pm
House pants… I like that. Housecoats? Promise me you will NEVER wear a housecoat for real, Angie. SAY IT!
You’re hilarious.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:16 am
@Loukia, Thanks, and I love that I can now gush over the hair on your avatar HERE as well as on twitter. Siigggghhhhh.
Twitter: KarenChatters
September 8, 2009 at 9:57 am
Clothes? Blow jobs? I think I’ve heard of those things. I now keep my clothes covered in dry cleaning plastic so they don’t get dusty on the off chance I’d need to wear them. As for the blow jobs, well, when my husband rubs my feet and gives me a pedicure, I’ll think about it. Until then, keep your hands out of my pants.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:17 am
@Karen, Oooohhhh….dry cleaning bags, good idea! I am done with blow jobs unless there are for medical purposes.
The last time I wore Spanx I put them on still wet from the shower and ripped a hole near the crotch. Then my wiggly thigh puffed out of the hole like it was chewing a whole pouch of Big League Chew and blowing some Big League bubbles. Teh suckage.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:18 am
@Angel Smith, Ok that was hilarious!
AND? If I tried to put on Spanx after getting out of the shower, I would need another one, because I would be a sweaty, cursing mess.
Twitter: alotofnothing
September 8, 2009 at 10:24 am
@Angel Smith, oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god – that would totally happen to me
I hear you on the comfort clothes. But isn’t that what yoga clothes are for? Cute AND comfy. (Cuz I sure wouldn’t wear them out in public, like to a class, or anythign!)
I love my Spanx camisole, but I wish they’d just make, like a tube top version for my middle. I don’t want all my lady bidness squished up and all hot and sweaty. (well, at least not when I’m walking around the grocery store or somethign)
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:58 am
@kristin, Yes, I like that my yoga pants give the illusion that I am wearing them for exercising purposes.
@kristin, they make a tube-top variety starting at 1x.
http://www.torrid.com/torrid/store/product.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302036021&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442116825&bmUID=1252584500292
If you pull it down below the bra line it smooths just the middle, very nicely!
OK, I’m jealous, since hubby let his friend rent our couch (don’t effing ask) I have no option on the bra thing, but I’m still all about the elastic waisted cotton pants and big-ass T-shirt cause jeans are for women without a man, and ya know, McDonald’s runs.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 10:59 am
@Aria’z Ink, You wear jeans to McDonald’s? Because you can totally go through the drive through in bathing suit bottoms, or a sheet.
@Brittany, Well, see I’ve learned. Cause if it’s just me in the car, then it’s sweatpants and shower optional, but if hubby is with me… we start out for McD’s and next thing ya know I’m damn near in Houston and having to make polite conversation to some woman I’ve never met who’s in full make up and high-friggin-heels for shit’s sake cause she’s the childless wife of some long lost friend he got a wild hair up his ass and decided to see… so yeah, I have been known to wear jeans on a McD’s run.
Is there something wrong with me that I let my husband SEE me in my Spanx?
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 11:01 am
@Nadja, Um…welll PERSONALLY, I look like a 50 lb sausage in a 10 pound casing…so um…for me? YES. But, if YOU look cute in spanx, then, by all means…
Twitter: pgoodness
September 8, 2009 at 10:41 am
You are hilarious!
Yoga pants and big comfy tee shirts, ftw!!
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 11:01 am
@Pgoodness, Exactly. I mean, as long as they don’t have active bacteria on them, they could be church clothes!
Twitter: modernsupermom
September 8, 2009 at 10:49 am
Spanx removal = wet bathing suit removal. Get them down to your hips and roll, roll, roll!! Piss with getting them uncoiled later!!
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 11:02 am
@Cortney, This made me lose my shit, because I LITERALLY have rolls of spanxs in my secret underwear drawer!
My husband complains every time I wear my brothers old tee ball shirt. From 1990. Whatev. It still fits. And the hole in the armpit? Ventilation.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@AJ, Those shirts are the best! I still have an old soccer shirt from grade school. I hope to get back into it one day.
Twitter: outdoordogs
September 8, 2009 at 11:05 am
What does it say about me that I don’t love my husband enough to even BUY a pair of spanx?
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 1:55 pm
@amo, It says you prefer to breath and walk to the bathroom without getting a runners cramp from being sucked in too much.
butt<– I couldnt' resist, it was so there!) didn't you read that larger thighed people live longer?
This post is so me. My hubby knows that I looking for some action when he comes home from work and I have jeans on.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@Mandi Bone, I know! I am in jeans and a shirt that isn’t a ribbed tank top, he knows it’s either sexy time, or we are going to a funeral.
I’m pretty sure that this too will get me fired but oh well, I NEVER take my bra OFF! Only to shower and swim. I just don’t like “free-balling” it so to speak. I can however say that since staying home I wear sweatpants A LOT!
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@Jen, Hey Jen…um…..YOU ARE FIRED. AGAIN!
Freakin hiliarious!
This weekend I bought these cute pair of pink capri sweats = comfy. On my daily coffee run, I took my 3year daughter with me and as we got out of the car, she said “Mommy, why are you still wearing your jammies?”!! If the 3year thinks they look like jammies…then they obviously shouldn’t be worn out in public!!
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@Jenn, I am so glad my daughter is an infant, I still have years to travel about in my sweats guilt-free. My two older boys could car less.
@Brittany, lucky for you. My almost 5 yr old boy is the fashion police. He asks me almost every day (so what does that say about my attire?) why I am wearing my pajamas to the store, bank, to pick the other kids up from school, etc. Men’s lounge pants and an oversized tee? I really don’t see the problem here. Ha, even when I do wear real clothes, he often thinks they are pjs (so, again, what does that say about my attire?). And one more thing… I am going to go Google “spanx”. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds kind of scary. And if I am 35 years old and have spent my whole life being “puffy” as my son calls it, then hopefully I can do without this inhibiting spanx of which you speak.
Twitter: SillyJaime
September 8, 2009 at 1:38 pm
You crack me up.
I haven’t had babies yet, but I’m already a fan of wearing comfy clothes 24/7.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
September 8, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@Jaime, Some of my favorite memories about living alone in college was watching Sex in the City, no pants on, drinking wine. Kids just mean you have to wear underwear so they don’t ask questions.
Twitter: SillyJaime
September 8, 2009 at 3:29 pm
@Brittany, But I like to wear underwear!
@Jaime, Who LIKES underwear?? I put my bra on the other night and my 4 yr old asked where I was going. I said nowhere she said then why are you wearing boobie covers?
Twitter: SillyJaime
September 8, 2009 at 9:37 pm
@Amanda, I love underwear. Not bras, mind you. Just good old fashioned bikini underwear.
lolz@ boobie covers. I’ve always been fond of calling them ‘over the shoulder boulder holders’. I can’t remember if that was from Punky Brewster or Blossom……
@Jaime, It was definitely Punky Brewster. I can still hear how she said it…
O hai! I’m currently sitting at my desk — at work — with my damned pants unbuttoned. Except I have no baby to explain my belly. Well, unless food babies count. *sigh*
This was hilarious! I’m a little late responding but you know…I aim low :) OH and Bush is totally responsible for my car accident in 2006, my wobbley bits, our house being broken into (if it weren’t for his economy people wouldn’t feel the need to steal), and any argument I had during 2000-2008.
I’m with you under that lowered bar, but as a guy, it’s less of a big deal to most people. Sorry, ladies
Since I am the mommy who drops kids off in a bathrobe with NO pants on of any kind whatsoever, and a pair of flip-flops, I would like to raise my Costco-size bag of FunYuns in your general direction.
I’m not gonna shake your hand, cause mine is kind of sticky.
Shoot! Was I supposed to have kids before this all happened to me? I guess I am just ahead of the game.
Is it weird that I printed this article and lamenated it? I tried hard to wear jeans all day without having them suctioned off when I got into the house, but I did not last for more than 22 minutes. I suppose I am destined to be a frumpy housewife after all.
OSU Sweatpants??? I just wanted to say that I heart you. You are me execept I am in OU sweatpants yo!
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