Ask Amy Lo

Hey there lovelies! It’s your bestest friend on the internet, Amy Lo. Amy is sorry she missed giving you all advice last week… she cannot comment while charges are still pending, but she is innocent of all charges.

Dear Amy Lo,
Is it bad that I kind of want to stab my husband in the face for being out of town for nine days and tweeting about his wanton drinking?

Dear Lorena Bobbit,
Hell no it’s not bad! Amy Lo might have left her second husband for his complete disregard for Amy’s feelings about partying – which is to say, she doesn’t like it when people party without her! Eye stabbing is perfectly acceptable. Just don’t cut anything off that’s too hard to sew back on.

Brittany: This depends.  Does is cosmetic surgery covered under your insurance, and what is your deductible?  Add up your out of pocket costs, and if fixing his stabbed face is more than a magnum of wine, it’s just not worth it.
Laurin: No, not bad, but think it through. You need to be a little selfish here. Everyone knows how whiny and pathetic men get when they are sick. Can you imagine how much work it would be to take care of your husband after the stabbing?? You would only be screwing yourself. Perhaps you can just hack his twitter account, spam a bunch of people, and get him banned. At least you won’t have to read his annoying tweets any more.
Katie: It’s not bad that you want to stab him but you might remind him that tweets are probably admissible in a court of law because they certainly are in a court of bloggers. Personally I think it would be very Stepford of you to NOT feel stabby while reading his tweets about how he just won the Jägermeister Cup at Frankie’s Sports Bar by outdoing shots against a girl named Trix. And Stepford is no fun and in fact I am certain that a Stepford wouldn’t be reading Aiming Low. Stepfords are assholes and this blog would not be considered acceptable reading material. Anyhow, while I say it’s not bad that you want to stab him, acting on that stabbiness will not sway any jury of your peers. Husband should be asked “How would you feel if you saw me tweeting every time you won Century Club against Anissa?” Except replace Anissa with Mayopie just to up the jealousy factor. Tweeting trends are bound to change.

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Dear Amy Lo,
I can’t get motivation to lose some pounds….I’m unfortunately accidentally single and eventually the need to procreate but not recreate will rear it’s ugly head (that’s already poking out, it’s like bash-a-mole around here) , what do you suggest?? Without skipping the wine of course.

Dear Bridget Jones,
Amy Lo would NEVER suggest skipping wine! She just about fell over from the mere thought. Here’s the thing – Amy thinks women look better with curves. I mean, srsly, she doesn’t understand how skinny girls get laid at all. Too many sharp edges! The most important thing is feeling good about yourself. Confidence is sexy. So if you don’t want to lose weight, Amy highly suggests shopping for a new outfit and WORKING IT.

Brittany: Losing weight?  Meh.  It’s overrated.  You know what’s not overrated?  Egg rolls.
Laurin: As long as you are happy and healthy, you will find the man who will love you just as you are. Until then, two words: maxi dress. Give your moles some room to breathe, ya know?
Katie: Tape worm or go to the Dominican Republic and drink the water. Worked for all of my friends on Spring Break during third year.

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Dear Amy Lo,
I’ve never had perfect skin.  I’ve always had imperfections, whiteheads, the occasional red pimple but in the past few years it has gotten bad.  Like there isn’t much clear skin real estate left…horrible patches of whiteheads on my chin, forehead, nose, and cheeks. I am breastfeeding but it was just as bad before I was pregnant.  I’ve tried every face wash and system, gone to the dermatologist and tried all of the prescription creams they have given me (limited due to the breastfeeding).  Am I doomed to look like I have goosebumps all over my face forever?  Help me please!

Dear Weeping Over Whiteheads,
Amy Lo gives you major props – she is so vain she probably would have stopped breastfeeding so she could use the better prescription creams. But Amy would NEVER suggest doing such a thing simply because she doesn’t want the La Leche League women up her ass. Anyway. Breastfeed ISN’T forever, so even though you have bumpy skin right now, remember that once your baby is old enough to be weaned, you’ll be able to try all the stronger acne treatments. Until then, you could always try one of those surgical masks to hide your blemishes. If people look at you funny, tell them it’s for the swine flu!

Brittany: First of all, the thought of spending an entire day holed up in my bathroom doing nothing but popping my blackheads makes me giddy in a completely unnatural way.  But, hey, it’s not for everyone.  But, I do remember watching an episode of True Life on MTV, about people who had acne, and one kid had, like, hard core facial peels done, like with acid.  So…maybe that?
Laurin: Sounds like you need a miracle for your face. Here’s one that cured my adult acne: Miracol Mask from Merle Norman. Sure, it smells exactly like Pine Sol and feels like you applied super glue to your face, but trust me honey, my face is completely clear.
Janet: I suggest you have your hormone levels checked. Or..if you prefer a more cosmetic route, I’ve personally had a lot of improvement with my hormonally-challenged skin by doing a very mild chemical peel every week at home. Takes two minutes –> glycolic+lactic acid peel…available on Amazon.com. If you decide to use it, do yourself a favor and get the neutralizer, too. And for the love of zit-free skin, follow the instructions. This is NOT the kind of stuff you wanna be freestyling.

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Dear Amy Lo,
My son is a little…high strung. The doctors call it “ADHD”. Recently we were invited to the birthday party of an only child. Not only was this an only child, apparently my son was the only kid invited to the party who wasn’t also a family member. So in this party of 20 adult relatives, 1 toddler cousin, the 7 year old birthday boy and my 4 year old son, my son:
1) blew out the birthday candles at the end of the birthday song, causing the birthday boy to run away and hide under a picnic table
2) “helped” open the presents by pulling out tissue paper from gift bags (I reprimanded him several times and finally made him sit next to me on a bench, far from the action)
3) was noisy and disruptive
Part of me was like “get a grip old people, this is a birthday party!” and another part of me was embarrassed of my wild child. Then still another part of me was angered by all of the “evil eyes” being cast in my direction. I was stepping in to control him (the candle thing was way out of line!) but my anger was more because of the old farts present and their unreasonable expectations. What the heck can I do in a situation like that so I don’t look like a douche mom?

Dear Mother to a Menace,

Amy Lo is going to play devil’s advocate here for a second. Those twenty people that were related to the birthday boy were definitely pissed at your kid. Pretend the situation was reversed – would you want some other kid opening YOUR son’s presents and blowing out his candles and acting like a total knob? Amy Lo didn’t think so. Don’t worry so much about looking like a douche. Amy doesn’t MEAN to judge you but the rest of the world already is…amp up your skillz and take control of your child.

Brittany: People are assholes.  Especially old people.  Seeing you with your young kid reminds them that you still have sex with a way hotter vagina than they do, and they’re totally bitter about it and taking it out on you by judging your parenting.  If I were you, I would just start attending parties with your labia hanging out.  And also, drink a lot.
Laurin: Do you actually like hanging out with your family and going to kid birthday parties? If not, this sounds like the perfect excuse to get out of family get-togethers to me!
Katie: Have I ever whined about the fact that I live in an apartment building filled with old people? All the time you say? Well, some of my geriatric neighbors made my life a living hell when I became a parent. Before kids, my husband and I were the young lovers who brought life and fun back into the building. As soon as we reproduced, we became morons with a child who we were raising completely wrong. I’ve had more tsking, tongue clucking, and dirty looks than anyone should endure — all because my daughter is very vocal and somewhat strong willed. Look: Old farts suck donkey balls and there is nothing you can do to change them so do what I do and pretend they don’t exist.

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Ta ta friends! And don’t forget, Amy Lo is always here to answer your questions!

Tagged as: acne, advice, marriage, parenting, weight loss