They wouldn’t let me put this on the whole Public Broadcast Service thingy.  You know, the “This is a test. This is only a test.  If this was a real emergency I already would have trampled on my secretary’s spleen in an attempt to save my own ass. This is only a test” people.

So I will have to use this space here to warn you of the dangers that await you!!!

Moving furniture will break your boobs.

There.  I said it. They didn’t want you to know!!  CURSE YOU, ROOMS TO GO!!!!

No one had ever shared this bit of information with me.  It’s only whispered about in the most secretive circles…like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and that freakfest that was “Eyes Wide Shut”….but with less creepy Voldemort-style sex.

I am here to blow the lid wide off this bitch!!!

Don’t do it.  Moving furniture is bad for your health.

Plus? If it’s been sitting there a really long time you won’t realize that the carpet under there is a totally different color than the carpet everywhere else until too late.  DAMMIT!

But, today? In a burst of uncharacteristic domestic enthusiasm, I got my husband to agree to move some shit around and mid-lift. I felt something give.

And I mean GIVE.

In my chest.

I was scared to look down.  I was pretty sure that my boob was going to be somewhere around my ankle…I swear I could feel my nipple brushing the carpet.

I gently persuaded my husband to set down the item in question with my sweetly whispered, “OH SHIT I BROKE MY BOOB!!!!!”

THERE.YOU.GO. Proof that no good can come out of playing switcheroo with your couch.  That shit’s heavy. Leave it alone!  I should have listened to Amy Lo. She tried to tell me but I wouldn’t listen.

Thankfully enough, said boob was NOT damaged enough to require medical attention.

There has, however, been some swelling.