Hey, remember how I impressed you with my housekeeping skills with the dust bunny that ate Tokyo? Yeah, well guess what? My cats want to show you their housekeeping skills and how mistress Katie AKA “THE WOMAN WE WANT TO DRIVE INSANE” reacts to their mad skillz.
And by housekeeping skills, I mean WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY COUCH. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Once upon a time, I bought a couch. It was MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS RED COUCH.
It is the first couch I have ever owned – EVER – and it is by far the largest piece of furniture this here furniture commitment-phobe woman has ever possessed. I am forty years old and this couch is three. I have issues and a long history of futons.
For the record: I do not smell like patchouli. Anymore.
Anyhow yes, it’s big and RED and corduroy. Just like a goddamn bear from the seventies. All it needs is a few floral patches, straw hat, and suspenders and this bitch would have her own show.
Don’t worry if you’re not really following, I don’t even understand that last paragraph, just focus on on the couch.
She’s my couch that I graciously share with my daughter and husband who try their best to minimize food and miscellaneous stains-slash-odors lest they meet the wrath of The Crazy Lady Who Loves Her Red Couch.
The cats however, do not care about The Crazy Lady Who Loves Her Red Couch. And they obviously hate me despite the fact that I am the one who generally keeps their shit box less shitty and their tummies less grumbly. I also grudgingly clean up their furballs. They owe me big time.
So how do these cats that I “love while simultaneously love to hate” pay me back?
LIKE THIS:
What ever happened to “We swears to serve the master of the precious.“? Right – cats not hobbit flunkies. ANYHOW — OH MY GOOD GOLLY — I HAD TO DUCT TAPE MY COUCH TOGETHER. I might as well buy a plaid shirt, open a lodge, and do comedy that would make my parents laugh.
eBay helped me find a new cover — exactly the same — minus the torn out armrest because to order something like from eBay would be completely stupid to fall for twice — and I won it in the auction. It arrived last week and I took it out of the packaging to inspect it’s pristine cotton pile then immediately stored it away.
That ain’t going on the new couch until all nine lives are lived. I figure they have five years tops. I’m patient enough to wait them out because nobody screws with this motherbumper’s couch.
I apologize for all the shouting in the post, BUT IT WAS MY COUCH DAMMIT.
This installment that allows all alleviation of any guilty feelings ever experienced over leaving the dishes in the sink for over twenty-four hours was brought to you by motherbumper — who apparently shows up everywhere yo’.
At this point, I think I’d be like “Out with the claws!”
I used to be all anti-animal mutilation like that. But now I own stuff.
My Husband came with two cats who had been (front only) de-clawed before I met him, and I admit, at first I thought it was SO mean, but now I totally see the benefits.
They can’t scratch the kids when the kids use them as backpacks either, which saves me lots of coddling time and Neosporin.
I hear ya sister. My furniture trashed and they’re not even my cats! (Yes, Mum, we promise if you lets us have them we’ll look after them, clean, feed, pay vets’ bills and any damage) SUCKERRRRR!!! They got me again
I have no precious couch that my cats destroyed (anymore) but I do have kids who have made them just disgusting. Been on both sides of that. I am sorry the hobbit flunkies in fur coats destroyed mama’s precious couch, but am SO glad to hear that you found a new cover for when you decide to use it! (Thanks for the disclaimer about dishes, mine are going on 18 hours as we speak). I love me some aiminglow.com :)
we took our cat to get fixed, instead they declawed her, there was a cat mix up. :( We had to send the poor cat back in for a second surgery.
Esme aka Orange Chicken, my cat. I love her and I hate her. She throws up on my stuff. She shits in the corner of my living room behind a chair. She sleeps on the baby’s changing table, bed, head and yet, miraculously, she’s still alive. That stupid cat.
Really, that’s all I have to say. My cat is stoopid and I love her.
Double sided tape is great for getting cats to stop clawing. That, and a spray bottle of water right next to the couch usually does the trick. :)
im really against declawing cats, BUT i know the mass of destruction they can cause. I found these glue on nail cover type thingies at petland and they worked awesome, plus they stayed on for about 3 weeks at a time.
Oh my. Love this post, but also: love aiming low. Just found it, and feel like I just came home.
:)
Yeah, I’m pretty sure thats just ANOTHER reason we don’t have a cat. Plus the whole litter box thing. I don’t like cleaning up my daughters shit, i sure as HELL aint cleaning up a cats.
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Have you ever tried those cardboard box scratchers with catnip in them? Once we started using those, my furniture was never clawed again. True story.
Twitter Name: izzymom
You should have put a donation button at the bottom of this post. I groaned out loud for your loss, and totally would have donated for a new one!
Twitter Name: barefootfoodie
I love that you immediately ordered a new couch cover and then stashed it when you it arrived. Sounds like something I would do. Damn cats!
As always, your post is insightful plus beautifully written – thank you. Keep up the good work I love your site! ;-)
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