More evidence that I suck as a mom

My mom has a told a story for years about when I was four and she was showing off my skills to the family- I like to call it “making the monkey dance”.

She’d go through the alphabet and ask me for words that started with each letter… how about the letter “H”? And I’d say “house” and everyone would oooh and aaah over my how smart I was for my age and my mom was reassured that I was making some progress in life and everything was great.

Then she said, “How about the the letter “‘P’?”

To which I responded, “Pssst.”

Puzzled and put on the spot with her poorly trained monkey, she said, “Pssst”?  What’s that?”

As the story goes, I replied, “when you yell at me, you say you’re “Pssst” off at me.”

As I understand it, I got big laughs that day, and thus began my love affair with cursing. 

I curse like a  fucking  horny sailor out on leave,  it can be expressive, emphatic, and just plain old comic gold.   I edited around my kids when they were young, but as my kids have become older, I’ve become less censored and, well, they’ve learned some colorful language from me.  My older kids know that it’s “mom’s language” and “bad words” that they are not allowed to use.

It’s cute.  They have even come home from school and snitched on kids that use “the ‘C’ word”.  When I first heard that, after I pulled my tongue out of my throat, I realized they were referring to the word “crap” and not the one that rhymes with “blunt”- the only word I won’t use- cuz I is a classy bitch!

Unfortunately, my 4 year old doesn’t understand the double standard that mom can talk like a raging homeless lunatic on the street corner, but she cannot.

“You’re a pain in the ass.”

“Damn, it’s hot.”

In the movie Ice Age, The Meltdown,  there is a scene where someone comes up to an anteater and says, “your breathe smells like ants.” This has always received HUGE laughs from her- I learned this weekend it was because she thought they were saying “your breathe smell like ass.”

Which actually would have been pretty funny, but totally inappropriate for a kid’s movie, I suppose.

And the one that almost got my mom license revoked- flailing her arms in the air after being refused her 3rd Popsicle, “Fuck it!”

To tell you the truth, if she just did it at home, and I could correct her before DFS gets wind of it, I’d think it’s pretty funny.  Of course, I don’t let her know that, but inside – I’m laughing my ass off – because it’s pretty cute.

Now, when it happens in front of actual people – cue mortification gasp and jaw drop: OH MY GOD- where did you learn that? 99% of the time – my husband gets the blame in public for letting her catch a couple of scenes of The Soprano’s with him.

And let’s be honest, most of the shit things are his fault, anyway.

Tagged as: 9 year old humor, cursing, parenting