I am not ok.
There I said it.
Lately, I am just. not. alright.
I realize that usually we are a funny bunch here at Aiming Low but, I just don’t have it in me. In a perfect world there would be sunshine and rainbows and all kinds of funny spewing from my mouth all the time, on demand. Good thing we aren’t about perfection here.
As our mission statement clearly states; “Here at Aiming Low we strive for anti-perfection. It’s not about the failure to attain perfection….it’s about understanding that perfection is not only over-rated, it’s a big fat whopping lie-burger with cheese…and fries…and onions.” I’m feeling down in the dumps, scared and tired.
I just feel overwhelmed at everything going on in my life.
My husband has been working out of town (but at least I have a husband who adores me).
Money is so tight right now (but we are way better off than some and clearly we did it to ourselves).
Part of my family is drowning in a family feud (but the other part, wow are they great).
My dad is sick (but he’s still here).
My baby is sick (but he’s here).
The suckiest part (Dear spellcheck: suckiest is too a word!) is that I feel guilty for whining about it at all. Not so long ago I would have pushed all these icky feelings down deep in my stomach and put on a happy face. For a long time I wore a constant mask of “happy put-together and strong”.
Not anymore. My problems may not be the worst ever but they are mine and I struggle with them. I don’t have to hide my ugly feelings or put on a brave face all the time. I know that the rough stuff will only make me more thankful for the good stuff.
So, yeah, today I don’t have much funny in me but that’s ok.
My life isn’t perfect and neither am I.
I am ok with that.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: habanerogal
August 19, 2009 at 7:30 am
Drinking a diet coke which I can’t really afford at the moment feelin sorry for myself but I am healthier than I was yesterday and the debt will be paid eventually so yay !
Diet Coke gets me through too! Whatever it takes to soldier through.
Twitter: anissamayhew
August 19, 2009 at 7:38 am
Babe, this post just touches my heart. Beautiful words and I know what you mean.
We all struggle with different things and that’s okay – they’re our struggles. They may not seem as bad as someone else’s struggles but because they’re yours, they’re worse. Hope that you are feeling yourself again soon!
I actually wrote/felt most of this last week. Things are looking up this week. The problems are still there but they don’t seem as all-consuming today. Thanks!
I hope things look up for you soon.
You’ve said so much here that resonates with everyone, I’m sure. It’s a vicious cycle, thinking this way, then feeling guilty about feeling it…it’s perfectly perfect to be okay with it.
Did that make sense? And I’ve used the word “suckiest” my self from time to time.
Its hard when you pile guilt on top of icky so I’m resigned to just letting the icky ride.
I could have totally written this. I feel like this a lot of the time, and then I feel guilty that I’m not all thankful and happy and looking at the good side of things. But I just can’t do that all the time. I don’t really know anyone that can. I think sometimes we just have to get down and wallow in our on misery before we can be happy again.
I guess that doesn’t really make a lot of sense.
Twitter: tenakim
August 19, 2009 at 8:56 am
I think all of us get this- glad you got it out and put that haggy bitch spellcheck in line because “suckiest” is SO a word! Love you- girl- hang in there!
Twitter: mariamelee
August 19, 2009 at 9:11 am
Oh lady.
Those feelings of guilt are the worst.
Be sad! Be stressed! What else can you be? There’s no way to turn off feelings of being overwhelmed. All you can do is vent.
No judgment here. But I wish I could give you a hug right now.
You will make it through all this! And I believe when you’ve waded through all these difficult situations, you will be much stronger! Keep your head up! Hugs!
Twitter: LaurinEvans
August 19, 2009 at 9:53 am
I burst into tears reading this. In a good way. Thank you.
Also, rage against the spellcheck! I dismiss half of the suggestions. They’re just suggestions. Hee.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
August 19, 2009 at 9:57 am
Girl, you have a new baby. Your plate is FULL. If anyone understands it’s the good people who write and read AL. Hang in there!
Twitter: AMomTwoBoys
August 19, 2009 at 10:13 am
xoxo, girl.
Anytime you need to chat, you know where to find me!
Twitter: AmazingGreis
August 19, 2009 at 10:24 am
It is OK! This post hits close to home today. I needed that.
Thanks babe!
XOXO
Oh, I’ve been riding these sucky waves of not-okayness for a while now. I decided a little while ago to try to be okay with the sucky and just ride it out. I’m so with you!
Sometimes you just don’t feel like being funny. That sucks when you write a humorous blog but your readers totally get it. When I publish something that doesn’t make me laugh I wonder if my readers will abandon me. They won’t.
You’re allowed and entitled to feel whatever you want!! And be okay with it!! I feel not okay alot of the time, and it’s okay! I always get over it.
Twitter: mom23greatgirls
August 19, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Remember too that you’ve just gone through a major life adjustment not to mention what your body just went through! It takes time to get your mojo back from everything.
Hugs to you today Jen…
Suckiest is a word. And, I know how you feel. I don’t feel like I can’t write blogs when I’m down because I have sort of labeled my blog as lighthearted and funny.
Push on. You will be OK. :)
Twitter: SillyJaime
August 19, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I know what you mean about feeling bad when you complain about your problems. But you know what? They ARE your problems. And one all by itself might not be too much to handle, but all of them together sure sound like one hell of a stressful time to me.
You’ll get through it. Nothing stays the same forever.
I think this describes the sentiment of my life lately. I’ve been venting a little about things lately on my blog and my dad told me I was starting to sound like an old biddy. While his words hurt, it made me re-evaluate my perception and see that things aren’t all bad.
I think this week is one of those weeks for me.
I think sometimes just dropping the brave face really is helpful.
Way to be brave by stopping trying to be :)
And good luck. Hope things look up for you!
Twitter: poobou
August 19, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Just one more person reading this who TOTALLY gets what you’re saying.
Big hugs to you, girl. xoxo
Twitter: mamaspohr
August 19, 2009 at 10:15 pm
In my book? This makes you totally OK.
I think everyone feels like that sometimes–and you are right, they don’t have to be the biggest problems in the world to count–they are your problems and that makes them matter
Hang in there
Twitter: barefootfoodie
August 19, 2009 at 11:38 pm
I love you, Jen. Your words hit home. We have no right to judge the problems others feel, as well all struggle with out own shit on a daily basis.
This is a great post with a great point.
I sometimes feel guilty about complaining about my problems when I think of my friend who’s baby has cancer, or The Spohrs, or all of the other people whose problems are so much larger than mine. But at the same time, when life is kicking your ass, it’s hard not to struggle with it all.
I hope things improve for you.
Twitter: Amy_Urquhart
August 20, 2009 at 9:33 am
Hey, it’s all relative, isn’t it? Someone else might find some of the things I struggle with to be silly, and learning not to care about how they interpret my feelings is quite a task some days. Hang in there, Jen, you’re a great mom and have every right to talk about your feelings!
Just because there are others that are worse off doesn’t make what’s on YOUR plate any easier to deal with.
It doesn’t seem like you’re asking for a perfect life or bitching about nothing – there’s just SO much, that once it’s all added up… it’s drowning you.
I think the typical advice is to be proactive, etc… but I say cut yourself some slack, you have a lot going on. For right now, don’t push too much – do what’s necessary and let the rest slide.
It always gets better.. or so I’m told.
I think all of us can write something like this; I know I could.
Hold tight and be patient. These things in life, I have found, are cyclical. The cheesy, “This too shall pass,” actually holds validity.
You got your AL Bitches to help you. You know that!
We women are FAR too hard on ourselves. We expect too much – too many smile-through-the-tough-stuff times. Forget it – you have to let it out, or it will eat away your soul.
This post is being featured on Five Star Friday –
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/08/five-star-fridays-edition-67.html