Something strange came over me the other day and I just couldn’t fight it.
I, motherbumper, slacker extraordinaire, decided to clean our home. I decided to be all hygienic even though there was absolutely no pressing reason to do it. Well, I mean mess aside, there was absolutely no pressing reason I couldn’t ignore the filth other than I had been kicked in the magical girl balls with a strong case of procrastination. And I don’t know about you but when it comes to procrastination, the only cure is to feel accomplished by getting something crossed of the other “To-Do List from an easier To-Do Hell“. And if you followed that last statement I’m proud of you and you are probably my friend.
Anyhow, usually I can ignore squalor but on this particular day, I just couldn’t and for the record: my life is ruled by To-Do List Hell. Making lists makes me feel accomplished while simultaneously feeling guilty for not accomplishing anything but a to-do list all in one go. I’m a total overachiever slash slacker hybrid who might one day rise up to take over the planet a la Terminator but wouldn’t get very far once she saw a grocery store with a Doritos display.
So yes, back to the urge to clean: it took me a while to figure out exactly where the cleaning supplies were stored and then find that really cool poking stick-style dusting thingy that probably has an official name but the hell if I know what it is, and that is when I took my first coffee and HGTV break because finding that stuff is exhausting yo. But then my other “To-Do Lists” starting grumbling loudly and totally making me feel guilty — which is extremely easy to do (see re: Catholic upbringing) — and I got my sweet tush back to being Suzy Homemaker with a side of ‘slaw.
I took my poking-stick duster and decided to tackle the appliances, or more specifically: those who lurk under my appliances which I sure as hell hope don’t actually have personalities or even lives for that matter. Oh and for the record: we rent and these appliances have been here since Socrates. Because you know he was from Toronto y’all.
Anyhow: One swipe under the oven and this came out and starting gnawing on my foot.
So I did what anyone like me would do in this situation, I tweeted about it.
Then I vacuumed that sucker up. Well I vacuumed it up after I located the vacuum. Who knew there were so many places a vacuum can hide in a three-room apartment?
And then I felt accomplished. Well that was until I found this while cleaning up our “work space” also known as the time-suckage continuum.
A bone? A mother-f’ing bone? A boner (says her “hot in her own head” self) I can understand but a bone? I’m not even going to venture a guess how long that’s been there or even where it came from; as in “how did this get here?” and “who did it belong to?” I mean, I feel confident that it’s too small to be from anything humanoid but perhaps from a lilliputian. But I haven’t killed one of those since I was twelve and I’m sure I buried it somewhere far away with lots of lime, so it can’t be from him. So wtf?
Serves me right for trying clean y’all. Clean homes are totally overrated.
This alleviation of any guilty feelings ever experienced over leaving the dishes in the sink for over twenty-four hours was brought to you by motherbumper — who apparently shows up everywhere yo’.
About Katie Motherbumper
Oh MAN it is way too early for me to be laughing my ass off. You’re brilliant.
Twitter Name: mariamelee
GIRL! It’s never to early to laugh the ass off. And *blush* thank you.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Holy effing BONE. That’s grounds for never cleaning again. And since you rent, “sorry landlord, sucka – you’re bone problem now” is how you should definitely leave.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
You know, I kinda hope that this bone issue isn’t really a problem that my landlord doesn’t deal with often *shudder*
And I’m going to use this comment to get out of housecleaning again until we move.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
It looks like a mink died under your oven.
Twitter Name: twobusy
You are a genius! I’m going to collect these suckers, sew ‘em together, and sell them out of the back of my non-existent van (down by the river). I figure I can fund my daughter’s higher education this way. Thanks man!
Twitter Name: motherbumper
LOL A bone! That is one thing I have yet to find hiding under my couch!
On a different note I posted an award for you over at my blog:)
There’s still hope… keep looking for that bone (I treat housekeeping as a scavenger hunt sometimes — makes it more fun)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
If I saw a bone like that…cleaning would be complete history for me. I’m mortified any time someone has to move a sofa in my house or look under a cushion. I can not believe some of the things that fall into there. Ugh
Neither can I. Sometimes I can prep a lunch from my findings. Not that I’d serve sofa finds for lunch (ever again.)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
At least you had the cajones to clean and pick up that bone from unknown origins. I probably would have looked at it, wondered how it got there, smirked that the dogs never got their paws on it and then quietly pushed it back where I found it because, well, it’s less energy to leave it there than to pick it up, right? Right?!
I like the way you think. Next time I’m employing your “cleaning” method.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
The bone would be a lot more disturbing if you were a vegetarian. Just sayin’.
Twitter Name: poobou
But less disturbing if I was a cannibal, right? (Which for the record I must state: I’m not a cannibal)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Oh my god. OH MY GOD. And I slept in the same room as you for three nights? AND I LIVED TO TELL THE TALE???
Goddamnit, I love you, MB.
Right back at you babe. And I just let you, Redneck, and Her Bad Mother live because as time goes on, I’m developing a conscience. You guys are my therapy.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Holy-random-bone-batman!!! LOL! The dustbunny is another issue, though – we have those all over the house…thinking of having them turned into diamonds (ala Michael Jackson’s hair http://tinyurl.com/n9z24d) – I bet your dust monster would make a ROCK! Now THERE is some encouragement to clean. ; )
I think you just found a way for me to top off my daughter’s college fund. HUZZAH! And thank you.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Umm yeah if that mess came out from under my oven I would push that junk right back under there. In fact I’ve been known to kick crumbs under the oven to keep from having to get the broom out. I’m NEVER going under there.
If I wasn’t so deeply entrenched in pits of procrastination, trust me: I would have pushed that junk right back.
And I’m totally guilty and with you on kicking debris under there. They wouldn’t have put a space under appliances if that wasn’t what it was designed for – right?
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Sounds traumatic. You should never clean again. I’ll help.
I WILL be taking you up on that offer. Seriously, close the drapes, I’m coming a knockin’.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
OK, but you totally have cute shoes while cleaning!!!
I was taking my role as Suzy Homemaker very seriously, therefore the cute shoes (and thanks!)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
ahaha a BONE?!
Damn, I better see what’s under our stove…
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
Don’t bother, it’s better not to know what lurks under there (if there is a lesson to be learned from this post, that would be it.)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Holy crap, woman. I hope you learned your lesson to NEVER clean house again!
(Dude, seriously, a bone? Was it a chicken bone? Maybe turkey? Cat?)
I’m leaning towards chicken but haven’t eliminated gremlin yet. And lessons learned, trust me, lesson learned.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Oh Anissa, as usual, thank you for sending a laugh my way!
Happy to make you laugh!
Twitter Name: motherbumper
We call them “dust puppies” instead of bunnies because they are usually the size of puppies and mostly comprised of dog hair. *sigh*
Do you give them names? I called this one Lenny.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
It’s true. I do love you. But I also love that you had the girl-balls to post a mystery bone because, well, it’s really fucking funny AND it lowers the bar just a tiny bit for the rest of us slackers ;)
Twitter Name: izzymom
I aim to lower the bar for the masses – seriously do. Also LOVE YOU GIRL! (yeah, that’s not creepy on my behalf at all)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
“I’m a total overachiever slash slacker hybrid ” You and me? We’re the same!
We already knew that, didn’t we? ;)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I found someone else like me! “[A] total overachiever slash slacker hybrid” !!! I blame it on my Leo on the cusp of Virgo status. It kind of sounds plausible, so it works.
I’ll buy that Leo cusp Virgo stuff because I blame the Cancer rising over Leo thingy whenever I’m caught kicking fallen food under the fridge. Happy to meet a fellow slacker ;)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
These comments (and your responses to them) were “worth the price of admission” so to speak. A fun read and a good laugh on this after-the-long-weekend Tuesday morning.
Overachievers slacker hybrids, UNITE!
BOOYAH! UNITE!
Though does this unite thing mean I actually have to do something? Because if that’s the case…
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Well, you’ve cemented my resolve to NOT clean. My husband will definitely hate you now, but I love you and that’s way better.
Twitter Name: coolzebras
I will support you in any way whenever you waiver — because trust me, it will happen, around the time the thick dust settles across your home. Just drop me a line and I will help you through those moments and remind you what else you could be doing? Blogs aren’t going to read themselves, are they?
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Dammit, I want an “IzzyMom Loves Me” button. I’ll have to go look under my appliances for one.
Twitter Name: AMomTwoBoys
You are a woman after my own heart. I love a clean house, but a house cleaned by me is totally overrated!
Twitter Name: Tiffanykummer