Today I have a very special tribute to three individuals at Kroger whose names I dont even know. But you made a difference in my life, and I want to spend a minute acknowledging you today.
You see, on Sunday, as my wife worked hard to help the sick children in her care at the hospital, I worked hard to not have an aneurysm because of my own kids at home. And after a fairly pleasant morning, lunch, and naptime, we headed into our trouble hours…4-7.
After having been lulled into complacency, and having never learned the 4-7 lesson despite over four years of late day hell, I decided in all my wisdom to take the kids to Kroger to get a couple of things for a nutritious supper. And maybe a treat.
Two kids. One cart. Sit down. Stop yelling. Dont touch your brother. Stop sitting on the bread. Don’t throw the bananas over the side. Sit on your bottom. NOW.
Enter Kroger deli employee #1. Please tell me where the Country Crock tubs of mashed potatoes are. (I know…nutritious. Save it.) Other end of the store…by dairy.
Transverse the store. Sit down NOW. Stop touching your brother. Don’t sit on the bread. Oh God don’t touch the…sorry ma’am. One more time and you’ll do a time out.
Enter Kroger dairy demon #2. Please tell me where the Country Crock tubs of mashed potatoes are. In that refrigerated case under the deli counter. Thanks so much, can’t wait to tell your deli friend what an incredible moron he is.
Transverse the store. SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN NOW. And NOT on the bread. Get that out of your ear. Oh my sweet mary, if you put your mouth on that one more time I am not driving you to the hospital. If I have to talk to you one more time, no ice cream tonight. Ok, no ice cream tonight. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Look how fast we’re going! Look at us go! Weee! SIT YOUR FU….SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN NOW. NOOOO Not the eggs… PLEASE do not touch the wine bottle again…that bottle is the only thing holding daddy together right now. No you cant have a banana. Yes, you can have a banana. SIT DOWN!!!! NOT on the bananas.
Enter Kroger Angel of Death #3. Your coworker told me the Country Crock mashed potatoes were in the dairy. Can you please tell him he is destined to die alone, and tell me where the damn potatoes are? They ARE NOT in the case down here. No? that’s because they are in Dairy. Well, just down from dairy.
By the MEAT.
Whatever I have done to you, Kroger, I wish now I had done it harder. And worse. And just a tad more violently. And to you three servants of Satan himself, this tribute is to you. Because the rooms of hell are filled with the screams of those who don’t know where the Country Crock Mashed Potatoes are, but who pretend they do.
We did not have potatoes. We had ice cream.
Jay is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a slack specialist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com.
About Aiming Low Does Good
I have no idea how people work in grocery stores yet never know where things are. I mean hi, I could have told you that those potatoes are usually by the meat and I am just your average shopper.
Maybe they need to start giving their employees weekly tours or little cheat sheets! ;)
Talk about convenience food becoming a pain in the ass. You’d have been better off buying a 10lb bag, peeling, cutting, cooking and mashing them yourself. And after that grocery store trip, growing them yourself too seems like less of a chore. But at least you had wine and ice cream :)
Twitter Name: agentninety9
It’s a measure in madness to take my 2 girls to Publix. That, and a short shopping list.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
We have a little old white haired lady at our grocery store who would LOVE you. She wanders the aisles and her primary job is to show people where to find things. When she finds someone who doesn’t know the store, you can see her eyes light up. It’s like her own little version of Christmas.
Twitter Name: AMomTwoBoys
I used to work in a grocery store…I never answered where something was unless I KNEW and usually I walked with the customer to make sure. I commend you for attempting the store with two children, I won’t take my one with me.
I loved it, I work for “satan” as you put it and can totally relate! We recently had a total store reset and I am still learning where things are. Kroger employees are supposed to (and this was expressed through trainig) physically take the customer to the item that they are looking for. Not just be a traffic director. I am in charge of the pricing and can usually take you to the desired item but not all employees know any more than just their assigned area. The store “tour” is an excellent idea for all employees! Sorry you had a bad experience, maybe you are just shopping at the wrong Kroger. Hope the bottle of wine worked for you.
I, too, am a nurse who works weekends and sends my husband with a 10 year old (who talks incessantly about nothing from the minute she arises until she passes out at night) and a 2 year old (who has special needs). Firs of all, you’re a saint for going to Kroger alone. With kids. ON Sunday! Secondly, mad love to the husbands of nurses (because you get no whining, no bleeding, no nada!). Thanks for being the testosterone in the estrogen island too….
Twitter Name: mommahopeful
OMG, where are you when I’m at the store? I swear to God the only people there when I’m shopping are those that shoot you dirty looks when you tell your children you will leave them if they don’t stop fighting over who picked out the poopier snack. Or tell them you will knock their heads off if they back talk one more time. Or tell them you give up, and no longer care if they fight til the death.
I mean really people, don’t shoot your disapproving glances at me until you’ve spent an hour with my kids.
what do you mean Country Crock mashed potatoes aren’t nutritious?!
Twitter Name: mamaspohr
4pm-7pm. THE WITCHING HOURS. Never to be entered into without a cocktail.
Is there a problem with having ice cream for dinner? Not that I’ve done it or anything. No. Just checking, you know, for research purposes….
Twitter Name: izzymom
You guys need Publix. One time I found bugs in my food at home and called them FREAKING OUT and they send someone over with a new item for me.
Twitter Name: mariamelee
Ok you really need a different Krogers I too work there. I do the training for our store and the first day all newbies get a tour & a map telling them what is which isle and then told that when they have a moment walk up and down the isles so that they can familiarize themselves with the store.