And I’m a little bit angry.

by Maria Melee on August 4, 2009

Posted in Identity

Maria Mommy MeleeHe called me early in the afternoon, told me about a girl he’d met at the beach.  She was an artist, he explained.  Blonde.  A college student.  “I think I’m in love,” he said.

That night, we sat on his parent’s pool deck, hidden around a corner.  We kissed, messy teenaged kisses, his tongue big and wet.  A mosquito buzzed at my ear.  Cicadas thrummed.

When he slipped his hand into my jeans, I squirmed.  Not there.

So I wiggled off the rickety plastic lounge chair and knelt between his knees.  I closed my eyes and opened my mouth and the next few minutes went by quickly.  Musky scent.  Smooth skin.  I don’t remember if I swallowed him.

When he was done I sat up and caught my breath and he mumbled, “Monkey.”

My stomach turned a little and laughed.  Nervously.

“Do you want uh… a drink of water or something?”

“Sure,” I said.

He went inside and I shifted to the pool, rolled up my jeans and put my feet in the water.  I watched ripples spread across the surface. The water looked milky in the dark.

I drove too fast on the way home.  I avoided my parents’ eyes and went to bed with my headphones on, the music too loud.

**

“You have a weird body,” he observed, gripping my thin hipbones and regarding the expanse of my naked torso.

My moles, I thought.  They’re big.  And those two tiny, shriveled pale extra nipples below my breasts.  And my bush, I thought, untamed and dark.  Unattractive.

I turned my cheek against his sheets.

I love the way you play piano.  I love your deep voice and the way it feels when you touch my hair.  I want you to like me.  Why don’t you like me, like that.

I laughed nervously.

He stopped putting his hands on my body and I rolled over and tried to make him happy again.  His brother walked in and we both froze.  I shivered, naked, and lowered my eyes.

His brother snickered and walked back out.

This time it took longer, and I didn’t like it.  I got dressed, hurriedly, recalling the rustle of paper gowns at the gynecologist.  Clinical, detached nudity.  He didn’t like me, like that.

**

I drove home, too fast.  The buildings beside the three-land road blurred by and then I saw a big fountain to the left.  The Catholic cemetery.

I pulled over, eyes hot, and drove along the familiar winding road with no lines until I reached a huge rectangular headstone.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, stumbling through the thick grass.  I knelt beside her and pulled my knees up and cried in the shade of a tall oak. “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”

I had just turned eighteen.  He was my second kiss.  He was not my boyfriend.  He didn’t like me.  I could taste him still, and I could feel his indifferent gaze and the searing imprint of his touch.

I curled on my side in the grass.  A gnat tickled my cheek.  I breathed until my breath evened and then I never let him touch me again.

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{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }

Jen August 4, 2009 at 8:55 am

Heartbreaking, but so glad that you were strong. Being a young woman is so hard. Thanks for sharing.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:03 am

Thank you Jen. I’m mostly glad he wasn’t into me enough to want the full sexin’. I really appreciate you reading.

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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 10:31 am

That brought back way too many memories. It’s no wonder I don’t wanna be a teenager again.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:03 am

Aw lady.

No kidding.

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schmutzie August 4, 2009 at 10:39 am

This makes me love being past those early forays into love and sexuality.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:05 am

Me too. I’m frequently reminded that I’m SO GLAD to be past all the turmoil that comes with being a teenaged girl. It’s easy to joke about teenage angst, but I believe kids have it pretty rough, and will have it even rougher in years to come.

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melissa
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 10:49 am

WOW! yep, being a teenage girl sucks. This makes it so hard to watch my girls grow up.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:06 am

I think as self-aware adults we’ll be more in tune with what our children are going through at that age. I hope so! It still sounds terrifying to me. I don’t want my sons to be douchebags when they’re 17.

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Erin August 4, 2009 at 10:51 am

This is beautifully written.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:06 am

Thank you, Erin. So much.

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Sarah @ Ordinary Days August 4, 2009 at 10:54 am

This must have been hard to share but I think so many girls and women have been in similar situations that it’s great to know they are not alone.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:07 am

It was. I was glad to be offline most of the day, because I felt very exposed and uncomfortable. It meant so much to come home to supportive comments. Thank you.

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Jenni/mom2nji August 4, 2009 at 10:57 am

Dude, I agree with Angie. Brings back too many memories. I am sooo glad to be past those days.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:07 am

Me too. To me, being a parent isn’t as hard as being a teenager.

Thank you.

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Diane
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 11:03 am

Dude. We need a LOT of margaritas, because I think we have a lot of stuff we could talk about.

This was seriously amazing. I wouldn’t be 18 again for all the money in the world.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:08 am

Me neither. I HATED being that age. I think I bloomed late and stayed a spaz until like 22. Or now. LOL.

Yes. Margaritas.

And thank you. :)

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deb August 4, 2009 at 11:05 am

ugh. what is interesting to me is how vivid the memory still is. those days are long past, but sometimes, for ME, the shame and sadness is still palpable. good post.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:09 am

The memory is SO vivid. Annoyingly so.

Those emotions are equally vivid, but I guess that’s part of life. I try to embrace them with a sense of WELL, at least I’m not currently experiencing them in real time.

Thank you for reading.

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Myg August 4, 2009 at 11:32 am

This brought back some memories, for sure. Specifically about the one who I wanted to like me, the one I would have done pretty much anything for, who never really did. Amazing how universal this story is in a young woman’s life. Beautiful post.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:10 am

Thank you so much for reading. Your comments (here and elsewhere) always have so much wisdom to them. It means a lot to me that you stopped by.

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Merritt August 4, 2009 at 11:47 am

Reading this post and the comments, it’s crazy to think that so many of us share this same humilating, self-loathing past. It brings back a lot of really unpleasant memories, but at the same time, those who forget history are doomed to repeat it…or worse, let their daughters repeat it.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:11 am

I did NOT expect so many women to say “me too.” It’s comforting and heart-breaking.

I want group hugs.

Thank you so much for reading.

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Mrs. Ski August 4, 2009 at 12:03 pm

It’s amazing what we’ll do when we want someone to want us like we want them. This definitely reminded me of high school/college years and also made me grateful that I was no longer in those situations. This must have been difficult for you to write but I’m so glad you did, it was beautifully written. Thanks.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:12 am

It was. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it really made it worth it to me.

I’ve actually only told about four people this story until now. So it’s kind of a crazy experience.

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jenbshaw August 4, 2009 at 12:28 pm

I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve had those thoughts in my head. For far too long I tried to make people “like” me. Its so nice to finally be comfortable in my own skin.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:23 am

I am much more confident at 29 than I was at 18. That’s a good feeling. (And it lets me write stuff like this. Even if I had to hide from the Internet all day to do it.)

Thank you for reading, lady.

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AJ August 4, 2009 at 12:57 pm

Ugh, scarier than being a teenager myself again is the thought that my daughter will one day be a teenager. Similar stories like this in my own life make me determined to teach her that it doesn’t matter if other people like her or not. But it’s easier said than done!

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:23 am

I’m glad I have boys, but I also feel a super huge responsibility to fight to make sure they’re as gentlemanly as teenage boys can possibly be. And that sounds hard!

Thank you for reading.

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Laurin (@LaurinEvans)
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I made it through more than my fair share of those moments and, like AJ said, I’m already worrying about my daughter’s future experiences.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

I can’t imagine. I’d be freaking out already too.

Thanks lady.

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Allison August 4, 2009 at 1:43 pm

I am so glad to not be 18 anymore doing things that I hoped would make them like me. It’s exhausting and depressing.

Thanks for sharing.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:25 am

I know, like other commenters said, I wouldn’t be 18 again for the world.

Thank you.

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Traci August 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm

l too am aready stressing about my daughter growing up!

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:26 am

It sounds scary! I hope I raise my boys right.

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Tiffany
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 2:39 pm

I’ve encountered one too many of that kind of guy. Teenaged, twenty-something….some of them never get any better. Now my poor sixteen-year-old is discovering these jerks. She wonders why I won’t let her go off alone with those idiots yet…

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:26 am

Oh my thoughts are with both of you. I hope she stays strong and doesn’t encounter too many idiots.

Thank you for reading.

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Mitzi August 4, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Wow…now THAT was intense. You wrote it well, my friend. You caught every nuance I felt back then. I agree with the others. I wouldn’t go back to those days for anything in the world Namasté. Mitzi

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:27 am

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comment. It was intense to write too! I had to have a glass of wine afterwards. But it’s so good (and also achy) to read so many women understanding.

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MommyGeekology August 4, 2009 at 2:50 pm

This reminds me to be terrified for my daughters….and sad for my past.

I had too many of those experiences. Being young, and scared, and sexual, sucks.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:28 am

That’s a great way to put it. I think the lust/sexuality of young women is often misunderstood or played down. All the focus turns to guys when girls really need the support and an outlet for their feelings.

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nic @mybottlesup
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 3:01 pm

i have no words… but i’m really glad you wrote this.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:29 am

Loves you.

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momtrolfreak August 4, 2009 at 4:22 pm

this kind of post makes me simultaneously really glad I only have a son, really sad/reminiscey about similar experiences in my own life, and really grateful to have gone to a conference where I came into contact with a whole big new community of people, which brought me to you, and here, now.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:29 am

Aw. Thank you so much. I’m glad you’re here too. :)

I have two boys. I’m glad I won’t be talking them through getting their periods, but I do feel very strongly that I need to fight to mold them into good men.

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sherpamom August 4, 2009 at 9:33 pm

Wow, I was going to comment something along the lines of those Florida boys but after reading the comments I see maybe location isn’t everything. Went to HS in Tampa and my shaky self esteem was completly broken after a few months on the band scene, hanging out with the wrong type of older boys who were quite clear about their feelings regarding me. Didn’t stop me from coming back tho… Thank you for writing it so well.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:31 am

I hate Tampa. ;)

No, it isn’t a Florida boy thing. It’s totally a universal thing, more than I realized! I think “talented” teenage boys are more likely to be able to act like total doucheballs thoughs.

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Andrea's Sweet Life
Twitter:
August 4, 2009 at 11:01 pm

I was that girl. I married that man. No, that boy. And he did awful things to my psyche.

I’m so glad you walked away.

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VDog
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 10:45 am

Not your current husband?>?!??!?! Right???

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:31 am

Aw lady. *HUG*

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IzzyMom
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 10:29 am

Ahhh…the lessons we’ve learned the hard way. If only we could hold on to the confidence we had at six when we’re teens and tell boys like that to suck their own dicks…

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:32 am

HA.

I adore you.

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VDog
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 10:44 am

I want to hug you right now.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 5, 2009 at 11:32 am

I wouldn’t say no to that!

Love.

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Jessica August 5, 2009 at 8:38 pm

A story that is too familiar in too many pasts.

Beautifully written.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 11:44 am

Thank you, Jessica. I agree–too familiar.

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Katie August 7, 2009 at 12:17 am

Wow. I could have written that. Only mine happened a few months ago. I’ve been hoping that it would fade. Maybe just the images. Or the emotion. Too vivid. Too raw. Too real. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 11:45 am

I’m so sorry! College is a CRAZY TIME.

I love that you’re reading along. I’m not sure what I would have thought about this place nine years ago.

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schmutzie August 7, 2009 at 12:36 pm

This post is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/08/five-star-fridays-edition-65.html

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Lisa @ Unfiltered Insanity
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 1:00 pm

Maria. AH-MAZING! Brave. Vivid. I heart you!

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 8:30 pm

Thanks so much Lisa. For real.

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Karl August 7, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Damn. You are one helluva storyteller. Thanks for sharing that.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 8:29 pm

Thank you Karl. :)

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Shauna
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 7:06 pm

You’re such a fucking badass writer. Dude, I wish I had HALF your talent.

In awe of you.

Seriously.

And, oh yeah, I *knew* that same guy. Asshole.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 7, 2009 at 8:29 pm

Thank you Shauna. That means so much coming from you.

Also, seriously that guy can suck his own dick.

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Amy Sue Nathan August 9, 2009 at 8:51 am

This is scary to me because my kids ARE teenagers. The thought of my son making a girl feel this way – or my daughter being the girl that feels stuck or forced, makes me ill. All I can do is teach them to be respectful of themselves and others – and know that some experiences, good and bad, are part of growing up. Oh, and always be there hopefully reading between the lines.

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MommyMelee
Twitter:
August 20, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Amy, thank you so much for this thoughtful comment.

I think it helps to be really involved, and to try to avoid putting them on the defensive. And even having these thoughts in the back of your mind has GOT to help.

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psumommy December 11, 2009 at 5:57 pm

I know you wrote this a while ago, but I’m just reading it how, through your post today and…wow. I’m going to add another ‘me, too’- not quite the same, but those emotions, the raw, rip-your-heart-out-ashamed ones, I remember those so vividly. This post made me ache.

I have 2 boys and 2 girls…the boys I’m trying to teach to THINK and empathize; to be kind, sweet, all of that. And my girls, I”m trying to teach them to be self-respectful and strong. I know that they will have to learn most of that themselves as they hit those horrible teen years, but I”m desperately hoping that I’m making some sort of dent in their future pain.

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Kristine
Twitter:
December 12, 2009 at 1:47 pm

Oh yeah. Yeah. Me too.

I’m 41 and I still want to cry thinking of those memories.

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Marisa December 12, 2009 at 11:20 pm

Very brave of you to write about. I’ve been there too.

Yes, I’m just a little behind. :)

Enjoy Disney!

Reply

Grumble Girl December 20, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I love this. I’ve been there too. It’s amazing how things can turn out in the end… Great post.

Reply

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