Aaaaaannnnnddddd scene. Ok, take off your pants.

Coming up with things to write about is hard. I mean, especially when you find yourself writing for a site like Aiming Low, who’s literary standards are ridiculously fucking high.

It needs to be life altering, ya know?

Something that would make MSNBC and FOX News salivate at the mouth.

So, I got all excited, hashing out ideas in my head for the deep and thoughtful post my heart would pour out. You know, the kind of world changing, totally work appropriate pieces I obviously specialize in.

And, there I was, all postpartum chubby, Carrie Bradshaw, poised on the couch with my laptop, watching old Project Runways for inspiration, while my husband sat next to me playing WoW.

Quality one on one time is clearly lost on us.

Anyways, I was trying to narrow down one of the many globally relevant topics I was going to broach on this very blog, when Andy looked up and said, out loud, that Heidi Klum did not have the body of someone who had three kids.

Really?

And…I do? I mean, I am obviously not Heidi “I set impossible standards for anyone who has given birth, ever” Klum, buuuuuttttt….that seems like a really insensitive comment from a man, who I assume, wants to have sex with me again in the near future.

So, I scrapped my inspirational piece, and sat on the couch pouting, and going over the list of super hot celebs I would totally bone (yeah, I can’t believe just typed that word either) with my husband’s permission, should I ever meet them in real life. You know, your celeb free pass list. I am sure you have one of your own. I like to keep up to date on mine for when my late night talk show takes off, and I find myself rubbing elbows with the very men whose dicks I plan to see someday.

And then, I started thinking about how some actors are super hot on tv, and then you see them in real life, and they are a total let down. And, I’m talking to you, Steve Sanders.

So, why not make up an alternate list of the five characters I would totally have sex with, because that not only seems fun, but a good use of the time I had previously set aside to type up a profound, tear jerker of a post and have sex with my husband.

#1 Edward

He glitters in the sun, and I love him. Back off.

#2 Mr. Darcy

Listen, I get that’s it’s “cool” to remake classic movies with relevant, popular actresses with pouty lips and humongous clavicles (coughKeiraKnightleycough), but to anybody who has read Pride & Prejudice 8 billion times, like myself, Mr. Darcy will only ever be Colin Firth. Sure, he had side burn issues, and a bit of a superiority complex, but the man was loaded and looked hot posting atop of horse, which, by default, means he is good in bed.

#3 Chuck Bass

Mother. Chucker. Not since Joaquin Phoenix has a hair lip been so sexy. He’s crass, and dark, and he’s a social drunk. All qualities I adore. Plus, he can rock the skinny jeans and argyle like no other. I would totally steam up the windows in the back of a limo with him.

.

#4 Luke Danes

I have a weakness for schlubs. Beer drinking, diner owning, flannel wearing, baseball hat donning, schlubs. Maybe he wears a hat all the time because he is balding? Even better. Any man who has that much patience, plus the ability to make me breakfast in bed, is a keeper. I will wear your necklace any day, Luke Danes…even though your sister Liz is a total lunatic, and your nephew is a douche bag.

#5 Snape

Yeah, I said it, I want to have Hogwarts sex with Snape. Preferably in a cold, dark room filled with potions and bottles of lizard parts. Does he need a good hair wash? Sure. Does he wear more black eyeliner than any grown man should? Absolutely. But, he’s the anti-hero, and his intense stare and goth cape tell me he is probably a total freak in the sack, and I don’t want to begin to go into what that magic wand of his can do.

And there we have it. Suck on that, Heidi Klum, with your stupid abs and Million Dollar Victoria Secret Bra.

Got a list?

Spill it!

Tagged as: marriage, relationships, sex, tv