There are certain rules that I live by. And they might surprise you.
They’re not necessarily the rules other people live by, because I don’t really need to be TOLD not to murder anyone or not to steal. I mean, that’s just good common sense people. If you really need those to be RULES you have to follow, you should seek immediate psychiatric help. Just sayin’.
Anyway, my rules are more along the lines of things that need to be a certain way, always. Every time I find myself following one of my rules, I think of Jennifer because she wrote a post a while ago that I really related to. She’s good people, that one.
So, I thought I would share with you my rules to live by. Meghan’s Ten Seventeen Eighteen Commandments, if you will:
- There is a very specific order in which a sandwich should be made. Mayonnaise on both sides of the bread, mustard on one. Meat on the bottom, with cheese on top of it. Followed immediately by lettuce, tomato & then onion. If you’re adding avocado, it goes above the tomato, but below the onion. If you’re adding bacon, it goes above the lettuce, which breaks the meat on the bottom rule, but that’s really the only way to go.
- Toilet Paper should ALWAYS go OVER the roll. A.L.W.A.Y.S.
- Your hair must be washed, with conditioner in place, before you shave your legs.
- Toe nails must be painted on a regular basis. There must never be a lapse of more than 2-3 days between removing old polish and applying new polish.
- Lace bras are NOT COOL with tight and/or see-through shirts.
- Boob muffin tops are to be avoided AT ALL TIMES.* Get a bra that fits, for crying out loud.
- I DO NOT share good food. EVER.
- The dishes can wait until tomorrow.
- Clean clothes in a pile on the couch are just as good as clean clothes folded neatly in a drawer.
- Clothes do not need to be separated to be placed in the laundry. As long as they’ve been washed before. Or if you’re using bleach. Heh.
- Children do not need to look like rag-a-muffins, but they don’t have to be perfectly put together either.
- A bagel is no good if it’s not toasted and covered in butter AND cream cheese.
- Coffee requires sugar and milk.
- Iced Tea should never have sugar in it.
- G-strings are our friends.
- A dog who will eat crumbs off the floor, and then lick the floor clean, is just as valuable as a good vacuum and a mop.
- No one should breathe on me. EVER. EVER. EVER. EEEEVVVVVEEEEERRRR.
*I asked the Twitterz what word they would use to describe boobage in a too small bra. I got some good responses: MasMom, TheMaggers, playcon, AumMom, MyBottlesUp, VampireSmitten, FuryMom, AmyinOhio, KMunoz28, AmberDawn07, cdkrapf, CookiesMommy, jwkloss, JustShireen, EternalSunshin, GabyIsCool, JeanetteMcCleod, Mom23GreatGirls all made suggestions, or asked questions, and Metalia said “Quadraboob.” And she stands by it!
Which made me think of a final Rule:
18. There’s nothing wrong with asking Twitter for answers.
So…what are your rules to live by?
**Cross posted at Meghan’s personal site, AMomTwoBoys**
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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: Amy_Urquhart
July 30, 2009 at 7:19 am
Butter has no place on a sandwich. I stand by that rule!
Twitter: Amanda Magee
July 30, 2009 at 7:53 am
Amen on the laundry!
Twitter: mariamelee
July 30, 2009 at 8:08 am
1. Must be reading when pooping.
2. Peas go in NOTHING.
3. All car doors must be locked at all times.
Yes! I absolutely agree to your rules, Maria. I hate when people randomly fuck up a good dish by tossing in peas. Also, must read while pooping.
Twitter: LaurinEvans
July 30, 2009 at 9:52 am
I get a little crazy with toilet paper under the roll. I will totally change the roll around at your house. It’s over, only. I love your list and only disagree with the sugar in tea. Sugar in tea is critical. They didn’t have it in Chicago and it threw me a bit.
Twitter: alotofnothing
July 30, 2009 at 10:10 am
One must never EVER use the non-word ‘alot.’
It’s even taunting me now w/ its red line under it THAT I CAN SEE. Right there. Ugh.
Twitter: queerkitten
June 17, 2010 at 4:00 pm
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
Twitter: missycj03
July 30, 2009 at 10:17 am
I love your list. I agree with just about everything.
1. Sandwiches – from the bottom – bread, mayo, meat, cheese, mustard, bread. If there is lettuce it goes between the cheese and the mustard. Tomatoes are revolting. If there is bacon (it must be turkey bacon as i don’t eat pork) it goes on top of the lettuce.
6. TOTALLY!!!! If I can find a bra that fits (38F or 40DD) so can you. Go to Frederick’s, they will measure you and fondle your boobies for a moment. Then they will give you an incredible bra that not only looks good but feels good and makes the GIRLS look incredible.
8. The dishes can wait until there are no more dishes (I have 4 sets of dishes in the cabinets for a reason), or there are flies, or company is coming over. OR – you can do it yourself if it is really bugging you that much (said to boyfriend)
9. Clean clothes separated into each person’s own basket is a random act of kindness. You can do with them as you please. I HATE putting away laundry, therefore I will not be putting yours away.
14. A.M.E.N. – You should have seen me the first time I ordered tea when I moved to Georgia. They brought me some kind of syrupy brown liquid that looked like tea but tasted like pure nastiness. Tea should also always have a squirt of lime. AND FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY – PLEASE MAKE SURE IT HAS ICE IN IT!!!!
My own rules?!?!?
1. DO not tell me I am too strict with my child. She gets to run rampant occasionally, but give a single mom a break, please. Running rampant 24/7 would kill a girl.
2. All gifts should come with some kind of salt. I know girls are supposed to love chocolate – but I love salt. Thank you very much. Yes, I am still a girl. Even if Chocolate is not my go-to choice of healing.
3. DO.NOT.TOUCH.MY.DRINK. EVER!!! It is mine. Get your own cup and put your own germies on it. That is gross. I don’t even share drinks with my kiddo.
I’m with you on the iced tea! I drink (literally) two quarts a day when I’m home in the summer. It’s so good, and so much better for you than pop!
The dog/vacuum thing. So true.
Twitter: themaggers
July 30, 2009 at 10:42 am
One of my biggest rules is close the toilet seat when flushing! That started after reading somewhere that toilet water particles can shoot up to 6ft across the bathroom. GAG it’s especially gross when I think about my toothbrush being in that range. CLOSE then flush people!
I’ve always heard that too-much-boob-in-too-little-bra condition described as quadraboob, too.
Sour cream MUST be present in every burrito, baked potato, nacho, steak.
Twitter: AMomTwoBoys
July 30, 2009 at 1:36 pm
OH! I should have added an extra rule.
#19: There’s always room for Sour Cream. And it MUST be Daisy Brand.
YES! YES YES YES!!!!!!
Twitter: AmazingGreis
July 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm
LOL, Shula’s in Chicago serves Daisy brand!
Twitter: LaurinEvans
July 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm
HAS TO be Daisy.
Bwahahaha… first 3 rules, I totally could have written. I’m all anal about sandwiches too.
But dude – you’d never make it in Canada. Up here all iced tea is sweetened.
Twitter: mom23greatgirls
July 30, 2009 at 9:28 pm
On Iced Tea – it should always, always be sweetened.
With sugar – after you let it steep and while the water is still hot.
I can make some killer iced tea.
In fact, its one of the few things I can make that others request. LOL
I love you this much more.
Sweet Tea, however, I will not compromise. ;-) Butter and Cream Cheese, hellz yes!
Assertagirl: Butter goes on grilled cheese sandwiches prior to grilling/toasting them.
That is the ONLY time butter goes on sandwiches.
What about at Chick-fil-A…they put butter on their chicken sandwiches instead of mayo. Butter and pickles—GACKKKKKKK!
Twitter: alotofnothing
July 30, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Um, you can ADD mayo TO the butter. Hello? No wonder you’re skinny.
Twitter: mamaspohr
July 30, 2009 at 3:03 pm
YES. You have to butter a grilled cheese. If you don’t, you don’t deserve to eat a grilled cheese.
ALSO YES to sweet iced tea. WTF is up with these weirdos who drink tea plain? GACK.
OMG this is why I love you, I can agree with almost everything here. When I go to Subway I have to re-make my subs because they aren’t in the right order, I get made fun of a lot for it. I also hate sweet tea.
Twitter: unlikelymama
July 30, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Haha, I ALWAYS dismantle my sandwiches. People have been making fun of me for this forever!
Twitter: alotofnothing
July 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I do a step-by-step instruction when I go to Subway. I get dirty looks, but dammit, I want my sammich the way I want my sammich!
Twitter: angi33
July 30, 2009 at 1:36 pm
If you’re going to “taste” my food using MY utensil (I must really LOOOOOOOVE you) Don’t hand me back my spoon or fork with remnants on it! For the love of Pete, I KNOW your germs are there. If it “looks” clean, I can convince myself it’s not NASTY and continue. This is especially true about ice cream!!!
Cheese and mayonnaise should NEVER touch in a sandwich. That’s gross. Plus…it makes the cheese slide around.
Twitter: alotofnothing
July 30, 2009 at 4:37 pm
We SO TOTALLY disagree on the butter/mayo not on sammiches deal. Mayo goes on ALL sammiches, even peanut butter & banana.
Butter, tho, only goes on Chick Fil A and grilled cheese.
No, no…I really do like mayo but I just don’t want it touching my cheese ’cause together it’s all slimy and slippery and just ewwww!
Oh also, if you disregard my request for NO pickle on the plate with my sandwich, burger etc and pickle juice taints my food, expect me to bitch and ask for a replacement SANS pickle and neon pickle juice. HATE PICKLES. HATE PICKLE JUICE. DO NOT WANT.
You don’t necessarily need to wear underpants to bed, but at some point during the night, before the morning, you need to put them back on.
Twitter: missycj03
July 30, 2009 at 1:45 pm
My daughter gets on me every day about not wearing panties to bed. And clothes. But that’s another blog altogether.
Twitter: VampireSmitten
July 30, 2009 at 1:44 pm
i love these rules. these rules should be printed and posted on every fridge everywhere in the world
A-freakin-MEN to #14.
Tea is not meant to be sweet.
I don’t know how people can drink that suga water crap.
UN-sweetened folks is the way to go.
This is probably why I didn’t stay in the south.
But I beg to differ @Assertagirl and @Rachel on the butter on sammiches. Toasted bread, butter, sweet lebonon balogna, and provalone cheese is THE BEST SAMMICH with butter ever.
Twitter: agirlnamedmel
July 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm
yes, always unsweetened passion tea lemonade. Oh and NO socks with flip flops. Tim does this around the house sometimes and it creeps me out
Twitter: anissamayhew
July 30, 2009 at 1:57 pm
G-strings are the work of the SATAN!!
Twitter: AMomTwoBoys
July 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm
That is how I feel about thongs. G-strings I don’t even realize I’ve got on.
So, in conclusion: I’m either wearing a g-string or full on tent size gramma panties.
Twitter: alotofnothing
July 30, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I have too many poo issues to have floss up my anus.
Twitter: AmazingGreis
July 30, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Great list, I’m pretty sure I agree with it all.
Twitter: unlikelymama
July 30, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I cannot stand it when people breath on me. Poor bf unit has to face away from me ALLL night long. Ack, hot breath on my neck…NO!
Twitter: Issascrazyworld
July 30, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I love a lot of these..but number 14 is a HUGE one for me. Ice tea with sugar is just wrong.
I’ll add one…okay, maybe two.
1. If your pants are hanging below your ass, there is nothing in the world that says I can’t help them fall off a bit more.
2. Flushing the toilet in public is an absolute must. If you don’t and I know you didn’t, I am likely to not go out with you again.
Twitter: mamaspohr
July 30, 2009 at 2:56 pm
ICED TEA NEEDS SUGAR and I will stand by this until my last day.
I don’t know you at all.
I can’t believe there is even another option for #2
#3 what other order is there
#17 should be a law punishable by some sort of punishment.
Twitter: Sweet_Life
July 30, 2009 at 4:06 pm
And this is why I hold my breath when I kiss you.
1 & 4 just seem like too much work. Period.
14 – eh, I need sugar in everything.
Numbers 3 and 9 I’m with you all the way!
Other random rules I have:
-All food products must be labeled with the date purchased/ prepared (as in leftovers.
-The pool had better be 80 degrees or more if you think I’m going in it.
-Don’t talk to me before coffee. I don’t hear you. (LA LA LA)
Twitter: mom23greatgirls
July 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Mine:
1) Please return the toilet seat to the correct position. Nothing worse than falling in at 2 AM.
2) And let me first say that I know this ranks as ridiculously OCD – food should not touch when on a plate. I would also prefer if it wasn’t mixed together but I’ve had to get over since I like mexican food. But other than that – food should not touch.
3) I see camel toe didn’t make the list. It should have. Ladies, please wear pants that fit.
Great list!
Twitter: missycj03
August 5, 2009 at 10:52 am
OMG I love that. Camel toe is the worst. Up there right above muffin top. Just because you CAN fit into the pants, doesn’t mean you should.
LOl…Oh I can relate and agree with sooo many of these #3 is a must for me
My biggie is the toliet seat-nothing like waking up in a stuper at 3am having to pee then falling in…no fun
Twitter: mybottlesup
July 31, 2009 at 12:48 pm
dude, i was joking when i said “HAWT”….. though i had a feeling you were going somewhere when you posed that question.
well done.
um…. my rule: the bed MUST be made every day by ME ONLY. i cannot get into an unmade bed.
brush your teeth twice a day. no exceptions… not even if you’re too drunk.
hub loves your #9 but i completely disagree.
do NOT under any circumstances assume a woman is expecting just because she is wearing an empire-waisted top. THEY’RE COMFY DAMNIT.
clothes are either clean or dirty… there are NOT multiple levels of clean, like my hub tends to believe.
“sell by” date means throw away on perishable goods.
it’s ok to go commando when you haven’t done laundry in a loooong time and just don’t have the energy.
A girl in front of me at Dunkin Donuts ordered her bagel with butter AND cream cheese, and I thought she was crazy. Now I know…
…she’s not the only one.
Agree 100% about the laundry though…clean laundry does not lose or gain value depending upon its placement. For instance…the clean laundry, folded in a pile NEXT to my dresser (right now) is just a wearable as it’s put-away counterparts. More so, in fact, because they are more readily accessbile. Who wants to spend time opening drawers?
Oh my god, yes toilet paper OVER NEVER UNDER. Also:
1. English muffins need both butter AND peanut butter.
2. DO NOT tell me what would be better for my dog foodwise, exercise wise, healthwise, etc…I am a good doggy mommy!
3. Candybars are kept in the fridge not in a cupboard.
4. Do not touch me, my coffee table, or anything I will touch with your bare feet, because oh god ew feet!
5. The top drawer of the dresser is for underwear.
I have many more, but no need to show off all my crazy in one comment!
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