Every week I receive several e-mails from various pregnancy websites. When I first got pregnant I was all excited and enthusiastic about reading everything online I could get my hands on about pregnancy and growing a baby.

Now I’m kind of regretting my former enthusiasm.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still thrilled that my husband and I are expecting a little baby boy to join our family this coming November. It’s just that lately I feel like a fake.

I think I’m doing this wrong.

I didn’t experience any morning sickness in early pregnancy. The closest I got was a fit of dry-heaves when I spied something fuzzy in the bottom of the kitchen sink. (Even thinking about that as I write this has filled my mouth with saliva…oh god, where are the crackers!?) Very early on I thought I could fall asleep leaning up against the wall, but after about the eighth week I was able to sneak in an afternoon nap and get on with my day. And here in my twenty-fourth week I’m still wearing some of the clothes I wore pre-pregnancy and haven’t had to buy any new bras yet.

I think I’m doing this wrong.

The pregnancy website e-mails warn me about what symptom I can expect to experience. I read them and just feel confused…what do you mean, my palms are supposed to turn red and itchy? They look and feel fine to me. My feet are supposed to swell up to the size of footballs? So far, they are still their original size. My skin is supposed to be blotchy and sport acne the likes of which my teenage face had never seen? My skin is clearer than it’s ever been.

I think I’m doing this wrong.

Today’s e-mail message just takes the cake. The topic was applying makeup, for crying out loud. Apparently I’m supposed to change my makeup routine to co-ordinate with the glow of pregnancy, a phenomenon I’m convinced is actually a pregnancy myth, by the way. “Keep it simple is the golden rule for any pregnancy makeup routine,” the message read. I take offense to this for several reasons. One, I didn’t realize I was expected to HAVE a pregnancy makeup routine, especially considering the fact that I wear makeup at the most, two or three days out of seven, anyway. And two, if I want to wear sparkly blue eye shadow all the way up to my eyebrows, I’m going to do that, damn it!

The pregnancy websites say I’m supposed to be emotional and quick to anger and filled with attitude. They say that the tiniest little thing could send me flying off the handle.

Maybe I’m doing it right, after all.